It's August 1st which means my 30th birthday is in 25 days and counting. I'm excited! I can't wait to leave my 20s behind and move into my 30s. I expect to be taken seriously as a mother and adult which is something I found to be elusive in my 20s.
Society depicts your 20s as some funfilled jaunt full of learning experiences which shape you into a productive member of society. Um, sure they do. Man, my 20s were hellacious. Mostly my fault and some...not so much. I've had a variety of experiences which I can't say were all good. Not even half were good. Now that I have more experience and guidance I expect situations in my 30s to go much smoother. Am I too optimistic? Who knows?
I my 30s I will....
In my 30s I will not continute to...
Where should I begin?« ... now bounce.
The DC area is under a tornado watch and I hope it passes over soon. The power flickered so I turned the tv off hoping to avoid a power surge frying my damn tv. Which is most unfortunate; there's nothing else to keep this chile occupied while I'm trying to decompress. My mind is every where today and I'm having a hard time getting it together.
I've made the last payment on my furniture yesterday and it will be delivered in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to it. I miss having a comfortable living space. These kids tear up more than their fair share; so much so, I can't stand having anybody here.
I'm also looking to add live greenery to the decor. I've never tried to grow anything other than humans. This will be a new experience for me. The bright side? There are fewer consequences for killing plants under your care than there are for the same regarding humans.
It's only mid-July but the season is definitely about to change. I eyeball my closet and realize there's na'an piece of fall clothing in my new size. In fact, I have to buy an entire fall/winter wardrobe. The thought saddened me. I aint got stacks like that.
I felt much better after pillaging my friends closets. I'm not starting from the ground up anymore but I still have a long way to go. We did a bit of shopping after dinner and I absolutely fell in love with Charming Charlie. It's an adorable store where I have the potential to spend way too much money. It's like the entire store was made just for me.
While browsing, I saw a dress in coral which is one of my new favorite colors. I pick it up and hold it up to the light, not really sure what I'd do with it. I thought it could be a tunic or somesuch, so I tried it on with my jeans.
I liked it. It looked very pretty and I already have acessories to match it. The $15 sale price sure helped. My friend came in the dressing room and was like "umm...you should prolly take off your jeans." Hmmm, novel idea. I give it a try and my heart almost stopped at what I saw: the dress actually fit. I was actually wearing a dress from a store which doesn't place additional numerals in front of the sizing system.
I did the fingertip test to see how long the dress was (or wasn't) and it passed. I turned to view myself from a few angles and all I saw was micro mini. Poor sales clerk; I know she thought I was insane, writhing about in the mirror. "Normal" size clothes are beyond my comprehension. My friend told me to "get over it" cause she's just sympathetic like that.
I have to learn to look at me as I am and not what I used to be.
I've learned to adapt to the dual mother/father role I've had to fulfil since the birth of my oldest child. This process was difficult to mitigate in conjunction with my own growing pains. How am I supposed to learn to be a woman and a man? What a confusing and painful time period in my life and I can't say it's become any easier 15 years later.
I'm not intrinsically male nor do I have the desire to be such. I do, however, have basic character fundemantals that surpasses what many natural born males have to offer. This saddens me. I shouldn't have to be a man for a man and this abnormality shouldn't be the expectation. Until I find a man who meets my standards of manhood...I guess I should become comfortable with spinstserhood.
Maybe I'm more affected by my upcoming 30th bday than I thought. It shouldn't be a big deal; it's just another year older, but really, it's more than that. It's a loving farewell to my 20s and excitement about what's in store during this next decade of my life.
I'm in a relatively good place: I'm exporing my spirituatlity. I'm learning how to capitalize on my strengths and strengthen my weaknesses. I'm much more comfortable with me than I've ever been.
But I'm still single.
Summer is coming and I have no partner to share my happy or newness with. I just came out of a four year relationship that I have absolutely no regrets about not rekindling. I need a partner more suitable to my needs and temperament, and that's proven elusive in this area. The one guy I thought was an option turned out to be a waste of time and the long distance dude....I don't see that working out either. Maybe it's best I'm on my own.
I dont fret over being single, nor am I afraid to be alone, but not unlike any other warm-blooded human...I get lonely. I understand I have to be patient and wait until the right guy comes along. I don't mind. I'm not interested in "Mr. Right Now". I don't have the time to waste.