After all this mess with Mr. Man, I had to stop and think: "What the fuck am I doing?" Nothing made sense to me anymore. My life, my job, my kids...nothing. It seems like everything I started out thinking I wanted...I really didn't.

Then what do I want? ~SunRay~ isn't quite sure. Strayer University is bugging me to register for the new quarter that started today and I'm really not feeling it. I don't want to go to school right now. The tech sector is some shit and I can't get a job. Studying for anything is just a turn off right now. So I've gone back to the drawingboard, literally.

I was fumbling around in cyberspace the other day and decided to look up universities in my area that offered drawing classes on the weekends. If I can rebuild myself and my portfolio, then maybe, just maybe, I'll change gears and get the Fine Arts degree I really want instead of the Bachelor of Science I know I can get. I'm really excited with the fact that American University offers students the opportunity to study art in Italy, something I've always dreamed of doing.

My friends aren't quite as excited, wondering how am I gonna do any of this. ~SunRay~ doesn't have an answer for that--yet, but if I want it bad enough....I've always figured out a way to get what I want, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't be able to pull this off. Afraid that I may **gulp** FAIL. The reality of failure is so harsh and so near it damned near has me paralyzed. With the deadline fast approaching (Oct. 1) for transfer students, I gotta make a decision soon.

I have no idea what I'll do with my house and may actually have to sell it. Where will the kids be? What will I do for money? I have so many questions and not enough answers. I gotta make away. It's driving me nuts to have something so close in my reach yet not know what to do with it or how to persue it.

I'm tired of living life in such a rigid box. I don't want to live by a structured "plan" anymore. I don't want to stretch my dollars. I don't want a boring 9-5. I want to live life for....~SunRay~

23.September.2003    07:43 PM    

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