"By reading your blog no one would ever know you're overweight. You write with such confidence."

This comment was made to me recently and I found it very interesting. I didn't find it offensive, nor do I believe that was the intent. It's interesting none the less.

Self-acceptance has been a long journey for me, as it as been for many Black women. Some women never reach their comfort zone. I'm not completely there, but I'm very close and better off than some. I've been fat/chubby/overweight/chunky my entire life. I used to hate me: my color, my fat, my nose and my hair. Absorbed in such self hatred, I'd never leave the house. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want people to talk to me. Well, I still don't want people to talk to me cause most have proven to be jackasses, yet I digress.

I stumbled upon self discovery after I had my son, the product of volatility and deceit. Forfeiting my scholarship to art school was painful and facing raising a black male alone was even more so. I remember standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror trying to reduce the swelling in my lactating breasts. I looked up into the mirror and looked myself in the eye. That was the most difficult thing I've ever done, year-to-date. That was the first time ever I addressed and admitted to my fears, failures and hopes. That was the first time I'd ever seen the glimmer of beauty within me, the bit I had left after the abuse I inflicted upon myself and also allowed others to inflict upon me. I liked the way it looked and felt, so pure and innocent. I cut my tracks out and washed my hair, scrubbed it hard, in an attempt to wash away any self loathing that resided any where between the cornrows and thread. I was 19 years old.

Fast forward to 2k4. I'm 23, coming up on 24. Somewhere between Baby Daddy 2 and the Ubiquitous Married Lover, I came into my own. Married men are shit, however, I learned a lot from him. He allowed me to see everything I do and don't want in a man. That disgusting situation presented me with the reality of self worth. I took it, walked away and never looked back.

My weight, color or height does not define me. The label inside my shirt and purse do not define me. My character and integrity define me, which is something that can not be compromised, exchanged or refunded. I like the woman I've developed into thus far and look forward to completing my journey as a self-assured Black woman.

17.May.2004    11:20 PM     Commments: 16


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tracked on May 18, 2004 9:44 AM

16 comment(s) » add yours

Woah that was deep..

(and SMH @ whoever left that comment)

Keep your beautiful head up miss lady..

posted by Pam - Reddy | 05.17.04 11:22 PM


Personally I think you're the shit. I am too if I do say so myself. In fact all of us women who know we is too cute to lay down for all the fuck shit these misc. fuckeruppers want to bring to us are the shit.

Where you are now, is where I started a couple of years ago...striving to be myself in a world that seems to prefer a whitewashed alternative version of Lisa. Still damn striving at that. But being completely me feels too damn good to stop.

The 20s is allll about growing and changing and becoming comfortable in your own skin. You seem to be a bit more evolved than other girls your age. That's good stuff. Now go amongst your peers and teach em a few things.

posted by Lisa | 05.18.04 12:51 AM


People might think that Queen Sexy is just a lighthearted joke. For you, it represents both internal and external fortitude and I'm proud of you for that.

posted by ej | 05.18.04 05:46 AM


All hail the Queen! Now give me confidence. *flash* Give me independence. *flash* Give me the total package. *flash*

posted by karsh | 05.18.04 07:10 AM


I must tell you sistah gurl you are right on da money with this post. It's not just women that deal with these sort of things. It's just that men wont talk about them as readily. Besides I like a woman with meat on her bones. :0)

posted by Phill | 05.18.04 09:56 AM


I've been silently "stalking" you for awhile now. I felt this post deserved a *Standing Ovation*

posted by sunshine | 05.18.04 09:58 AM


Great post, Confidence is the most important element of sexiness... I guess you are Queen Sexy after all...

posted by Rocka | 05.18.04 09:59 AM


I think this a situation we all must face at some point in our lives. It's forever brewing. Deal with it. Learn to appreciate who you are. If you don't, no one else will. People can sense your self-hate and insecurities and will feed off it.

Rocka~ Confidence is an important component of sex appeal. Most sexy people aren't even attractive. They're just skilled enough to convince us they're as sexy as they think they are.

Hi Sunshine! *waving fanatically* Glad you decided to speak up today. Welcome.

Phill~ You're right, men do have the same self image issues as women. They just don't want to admit it. Men are just as abused by the images portrayed on tv and movies as women are.

Karsh~ It's possible to have it all. Werq!

King Sexy~ Sexy is as sexy does, right? I'm a work in progress, currently a black girl uninterrupted and I'm also proud of that.

Leeser~ I AM the shit. You ARE the shit. Any person that can face themselves and bring upon positive change is the shit and some more stuff. As far as teaching my peers....I'll try, but I'll have to charge. There are still some women walking around in 2k4 delusional as a muhfukka.

Pam~ This was the most difficult post ever written and would have probably published this in a private journal if I had one. I did shead a tear or two writing this; the pain is still very real for me. It's important for other black people to read this to possibly help them with their own self-discovery. Like I said, the comment didn't offend me at all and I hope the person who made the comment has more insight into who I am and who I hope to become.

posted by ~SunRay~ | 05.18.04 12:08 PM


ALRIGHT KIA! Loved the post baby doll... Girl, I think you are so beautiful anyways- you have the prettiest skin, the cutest dimples... you are gorgeous girl. And your personality just makes it better. (you know you could get it ;)...)
I feel you in some ways myself- I wasnt always happy with myself- shit, I'm still not at where I wanna be- but I am starting to be comfortable with what I look like. But once again, good post homie!

posted by grayse | 05.18.04 03:52 PM


hey girl, enjoyed this post and you are beautiful glad you have that confidence. no size, shape, purse, etc doesn't make a person it's what's on the inside. keep that confidence girl.

i'm doing good just been busy at work, i have a post to put up but hadn't had the time, hopefully i will before this week is out.

take care and kiss the kids for me :)

posted by lashundra | 05.19.04 09:54 AM


Peace Queen.

That was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. It was so personal and so real. Much love and respect to you for writing it. Stay strong.


posted by Nappy17 | 05.20.04 07:41 PM


U don't know me and I don't know U but I came across your blog while surfing and I only have 1 word - BEAUTIFUL!

oh and i copied that meme down below...type cool. i linked it on my blog. hope you don't mind :/

stay beautiful


posted by goldenbrown | 05.23.04 03:59 PM


Thank you for posting this... that's the beautiful thing about life. We are all constantly changing, hopefully for the better and not the worse. Keep on spreading your sunny rays (okay, I know that was corny but I couldn't think of anything else that hasn't already been said)!

posted by Laniza | 05.23.04 09:50 PM


simply stated, AMEN

posted by ray | 06.09.04 11:08 AM


beautifully stated. there are a lot of people (fat or not, black or not, female or not) who are much older than you that haven't and may never come to the realization that acceptance and beauty comes from within. brava!

posted by Enigma | 06.17.04 01:43 AM


This is the first time I've read your blog and its so ironic that i would see this post today when i'm feeling so bad about myself. I'm 19 and dealing with a lot of the physical insecurities that u were at that age and i have to say, this post really lifted my spirits. Thank you so much.

posted by Angie | 06.29.04 05:48 PM


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