If you're looking to be entertained today, you've come to the wrong place. This post is more of a macabre nature. If you're feeling squeemish or the least bit brain dead, don't expand the entry. If you're nosey like I know most of you are, gon' head and keep reading.
I don't want to dream any more. Neva eva again in life. For the longest I've always had two different kinds of dreams: subconscious dreams that replay the bullshit I put forth during the daylight hours, and the surreal dreams, the ones I wish I never had.
I never understood the latter of the two. Snipets of dreams, they tend to be black and white or color and very disconnected. What's so bizarre about this particular type of dream is that's it's though I'm actually in the place displayed in my mind. All of my senses are much sharper: I'm sensitive to light and touch, I can hear (sometimes) and smell things. I can feel emotions. They're always very vivid and I always remember them. There are three particular scenarios that have stood out in my mind over the years, because I'm guessing they're turning points.
1). Buying my house. I saw this house in my dreams several years ago. In my dream, I woke up in a very large but stuffy room. I felt like I couldn't breathe and reached over to open a window. I remember that feeling. It was the same feeling I had my first nite here. The house and been closed up for so long it was stuffy and the residue from the contractors work agrravated my sinuses. The lot number for this house is 0826, the same as my birthday. I live around the corner from my grandmother's old house. I still haven't figured out why I've been led to this spot.
2) Beefing with the boss's husband. That man is a monumental pain in my ass. I remember trying to help him print his presentation the correct way and he and I couldn't agree for shit. I asked him about some program function and his replay was, "It's in the enviromnent." That wasn't helpful, being that I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. I saw that situation already, not sure how long ago. I remember the office, the emotions and even the smell from the dream I had.
3). I'm going to die. We all know we're going to die at some point, but I'm going to die soon. I saw it. I could smell it. I actually felt my spirit leave my body. She just kinda heaved herself out of my body, kinda how I heave myself out of bed when I don't want to go to work. The lighting in this dream was so bright. I was lying on a metal table with a lot of people around me. My guess is I was having some sort of operation. Maybe I'd been shot. Maybe I had a heart attack. There was no way to determine the cause. I saw me looking at me. I remember thinking, "I've always done my best." I also remember thinking of my kids and hoping they'd be okay, which makes me believe at that point in the dream, they hadn't reached legal age.
I've always wondered why I live so hard, so fast. Why do I have a way of getting what I want? How do I manage to come out of situations, virtually unscathed? I don't have answers for any of these questions. The most logical answer I can give is that my life's been predetermined for me. I've been given the ability to see bits of my life before it happens. I've seen my own death, and yes, I've been disturbed by it. I don't like this. I'd rather not know.
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