*This is a long one. Might want to pack a lunch and possibly dinner*
Last week, on my way to where ever the hell I was going, I stumbled across my ex. Since he saw me in the streets, he found it necessary to give me a call at work, no less. He left a message for me to "call him at my earliest convienence." I wonder if never is soon enough for him. I'm completely dumbfounded at his ability to act as if fuckshit didn't transpire. Let's have a lil backstory, shall we?
I remember the first time we met in the grocery store. I was on my way to work and in a hurry. I gave him my number to get him out my face and went on my way. I certainly didn't care if he called or not. He did call a couple of times, but gave up due to my lack of interest.
Our paths cross again at the laundrymat and we exchanged numbers again. I had nothing else going on so I figured why not. We talked that night and surprisingly, the convo was actually good. We have a few more phone sessions over the next couple of months until I decided it was okay for him to come over for a visit.
We'd hang out and have fun, nothing serious. Watch tv, play video games...average shit. I began to enjoy his company. I could tell our friendship was growing when we graduated to kissing and dry humping. I started to re-evaluate him and some things about him bothered me.
He'd always become annoyed when I wouldn't hang out with him to study. I don't like school but I gotta finish and he just couldn't feel where I was coming from. I want to see the world; that concept is hard to grasp for someone who's never left their block and has been there for 25 years.
His career goals were next to none and self confidence low. With him normally being negative and depressed, he was undesirable to associate with. At that point in my life, things were going well and I sure didn't need anyone bringing me down with their bullshit that was could be rectified with a little effort.
Despite these things that I didn't like about him, there was a lot of good in him too. Smart, fun, protective, sensitive...all the good stuff I wanted in a man. I accepted the fact that we were getting closer and would eventually end up in a relationship. Until that.night.
February 6, 2002. I'll never forget this date because Nickelback was gon' have a live concert on MTV and damn if I wanted to miss it. When he called I wasn't even gonna answer the phone. That wasn't gon' work cause he knew my schedule and I'd have a lot of questions to answer if I didn't pick up that phone. It had been three weeks since we'd last seen each other and he'd been complaining that I never spend time with him anymore. I relented.
When he walked through the door, I felt...different. I stepped back a bit to let him in and he shut the door behind him. We embraced and I sort of fell into him. We both held on tight for a little while, and right then, I knew we were starting our relationship and mentally prepared myself to submit. Scary ineed.
After we took some time to catch up, silence draped itself upon us. We looked at each other and moved closer. I knew what was about to happen and didn't stop it. This is one of the few times in my life I felt sexually shy. He was too. I only had half a second to figure out what I was gonna to do to em, so I did it all. Ball juggling, balancing act...he got the full treatment that night. It was good. I had to turn the heat off in my tiny apartment cause we produced enough of our own. I'm happy, glowing even but felt uneasy. He was too quiet. Not a word. I could barely hear him breathe. Still silent we clean each other up and he's ready to go. Of course I didn't like it but chalked it up to him being weirded out by my ejaculation, something he'd never experienced live before. So! I was excited. Shit.
A couple days go by and I hadn't heard from him. I call to see if he's okay and no answer. Left a message, no return call. This went on for two weeks until I gave up. I was so mad at myself. What did I do wong? How could love escape me?
Fast forward to May 2002. I get this random call out the blue. It's him, acting like nothing happened and attempting to pick up where we left off. Talking about his new job and what he hopes to accomplish. I.think.not. There was very little, okay there was nothing he could say to me at that point. His explaination, which was weak to me, is that he wanted to get his life together. Understandable, but that isn't the way to go about it. I didn't stop him from doing anything he needed or wanted to do. Maybe it's easier to lay blame with someone else than with its rightful owner.
I attempted to maintain a friendship with him, but couldn't. I was too hurt and disgusted. I looked at him as a completely different person, and consequently, lost respect for him.
Recapturing once was can't happen. He'd call my house and play Half Crazy on my answering service. I wouldn't budge. Apathy has replaced sentiment. He shouldn't hold his breath for a phone call.
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