Last Thursday I went to Utility Discount Day, an annual "event" here in DC. I had no idea what it was until I had to go myself. The local utility companies (Washington Gas, Pepco, WASA and Verizon) all get together to have a massive intake for people to apply for discounts for each company.

When I arrived on the doorstep of the Convention Center, it was already packed. They had you get in line to wait in another line to get a number to wait some more. The first number I pulled was 2,151 and they were calling groups of 50. Oh, when I got to the room they were on 800-850. Not going anywhere for a while?

Some folks were vets, I could tell. Packed lunches, stuff to amuse the kids, extra batteries for electronics....they was ready to camp out. Being the rookie that I was, hunger and boredom settled in fast. Yeah, I had a book to read. Somehow I felt it quite unappropriate to read about welfare reform at that particular moment. A press conference was held and Holmes-Norton spoke of how the funding can help District residents and how disappointed she is that so many people need help and the administration isn't taking notice. As I moved closer to the speakers, she stated that Congress is trying to cut funding for such programs. Big surprise there.

I looked around the room in awe; I'd never been around so many people before. Ghetto divas, hoodrats, senior citizens and average joe's showed up in hopes of getting some relief from the burdenous utility bills, notably Washington Gas. I wonder if anyone, other than myself, paid attention to the press conference. Did the statement, "Congress is trying to eliminate such programs from its budget." fall on upon deaf, indifferent ears? It irritates the hell out of me when people don't pay attention to what's happening around them.

I see this as a part of gentrification. The projects have been bulldozed. Police presence had increased. They coming back in droves. Gettin real nice incentives to come back too. A building about 4 blocks from me is in the process of being renovated to be sold as almost upscale condos. I'm feeling the press of the economy as I wonder how much force is gonna be needed to uproot me.

I'm feelin better n stuff. I've gotten more support via cyberspace than I have from the local humans in my life. Aint that a trip? Baby Daddy 3 trynna come back around after the fuckshit he pulled and lack of support through this whole thing. All of a sudden, he's in love. I have every right to hate him, don't I?

This guy decides to make a trip to DC, all unannounced n stuff and I can't even clear my schedule to see him. He aint shit.

Been fussed out by Elmo again. (in case you forgot, he's my trainer) Why now? Cause I skipped the gym for two weeks, getting out of shape again (round is a shape, btw) and told him how happy I was to have Prime Bear in town.

*cricket chirp*

Um...he didn't like that so much. I got fussed out. "I KNOW you aint runnin the streets tonite>" On and on and blah blah. Certainly wasn't the response I was expecting. It was cute though. He should just gon' and break me off.

I need a hug.Today was a crappy day. Well not really; I was just in a shitty mood. I'm not prepared to deal with these feelings. And I feel terrible. As if I don't have enough going on.

It's official: my last day at work is Feb. 1. I should have another job by then, right? Right. I'm really not feeling optomistic about this shit. My only contingency plan is to put this loan into forbearance and collect unemployment. Other than that, I don't know what else to do. I really want this transition to be smooth. The CIA process is finally over and done with. At least on my part. My file has been sent to the adjudicator and he or she has the final say so as to whether or not they can grant a security clearance for me. As a last ditch effort, I hope this works out.

My kids have decided they want to act a fool: my son not behaving in school, my daughter having issues with telling the truth. I'm so irritated right now. Why can't they just act right?

And Elmo....his niggardly ass overbooks today, giving another woman MY space that I reserved with him a week ago. I'm so not pleased. Nevermind I have no business trying to work out. How is he gonna reschedule with me when she's the one that left leaving that time slot vacant. He had the nerve, the audacity, the BALLS to ask me if I'm mad. Then he gon' try to lecture me bout doing cardio. I not so nicely asked him why he was still talking. And then he's gon parade his clients in and out...right in my face. How dare he. He's gon' catch it Saturday morning. I can't catch a break no matter where I turn.

Healing is going to be a long process.

Sunday, the day after, I felt...okay. I didn't do much of anything during the day. Running out of tp compelled me to carry my ass over to the corner store for an emergency pack, which was only 1-ply. I'm still flummoxed over the fact that 1-ply tp is still in production. Why?

Because I was able to handle walking up the street, I felt that I should be fine to head out for an interview and grocery shopping on Monday. I took a cap to the interview, not to tire myself too much. I'm still feeling pretty good. I tolerate the Metro ride back to the hood to go to the grocery store. I stop for lunch and all is well. That is until I'm halfway through my shopping. I'm starting to get the worst pains ever and the check out lines are winding down the aisles. Things slowly unravel.

I come home and tell the kids to put away all the stuff that has to be frozen or refridgerated, and of course this falls on deaf ears. I come into my kitchen to find cucumbers on the floor and salad mix still in the bag. Damn them.

The treatchery didn't start until Tuesday morning. Time to go to work. I'm having the worst cramps ever. Cramps are an understatement. My uterus is actually contracting as though I was in labor. I had no idea what to do with myself. I was in a lot of pain, so much I was shaking. I'd never experienced anything like that before. I swallowed my last handful of Motrin (about 6) and prayed for that God dude to take my life. Surely death would be better than the pain. He's no angel of mercy.

While my uterus is contracting, I remember what contractions are for: to push stuff out. I'm thinking "Oh hell there's a body part left inside." and that made me nauseaous. I hoist myself onto the toilet and several blod clots pass through. Not sure if they contained any foreign objects and I certainly wasn't going to examine them to find out. My daughter made me some tea, to ease the pain. It tasted absolutely terrible, bless her heart. I drank it anyway and the warmth helped. The children didn't want to leave me alone and I refused to let them stay home. School is a better environment for them. No need to have them around watching me writhe in pain. Eventually I pass out. I pass out long enough to remember I didn't call my job and tell them I wasn't coming. Someone called and I gave em some story and was pratically left alone for the rest of the day.

I asked the father to bring me more Motrin. Of course he didn't. Selfish bastard.

I never want to experience that kind of pain again. I'm still angry with myself for creating this situation. Those feelings may never change. I'm angry with myself for having any kind of relations with this guy, knowing he's a big fat nothing. It's likely those feelings won't change either.

Last nite, I was feeling all types of anxiety. This isn't a procedure anybody looks forward to. I couldn't sleep. I was worried my ride wouldn't show. The what ifs...

*NOTE* This post contains graphic content of my experience in the hands of an abortion doctor. If you're the least bit squemish or a pro-lifer, do us both a favor and click the red X in the upper right hand corner of your screen.

**Expand the entry for dinner details**

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative
(The Britney Spears version sucks ass. Bobby should slap the shit outta her just like he did Whitney.)

EvilAsianX and Blonde Wonderwant to get together for dinner tonite. Why? To discuss my life, my choices and what I do and do not want.

Some of you know I'm 10 weeks pregnant. Some of you don't. I'm not excited bout this. I see it as a setback that needs to be dealt with. Others have different feelings. That doesn't particularly matter to me. I was unaware that my life and my decisions and what I choose to do with my unborn child was up for group discussion.

Pro-lifers, I don't knock you. I'm pro-choice, therefore I do as I see fit. Nobody is gonna tell me what to do with MY body. Period.

Details of dinner convo shall follow...