Healing is going to be a long process.

Sunday, the day after, I felt...okay. I didn't do much of anything during the day. Running out of tp compelled me to carry my ass over to the corner store for an emergency pack, which was only 1-ply. I'm still flummoxed over the fact that 1-ply tp is still in production. Why?

Because I was able to handle walking up the street, I felt that I should be fine to head out for an interview and grocery shopping on Monday. I took a cap to the interview, not to tire myself too much. I'm still feeling pretty good. I tolerate the Metro ride back to the hood to go to the grocery store. I stop for lunch and all is well. That is until I'm halfway through my shopping. I'm starting to get the worst pains ever and the check out lines are winding down the aisles. Things slowly unravel.

I come home and tell the kids to put away all the stuff that has to be frozen or refridgerated, and of course this falls on deaf ears. I come into my kitchen to find cucumbers on the floor and salad mix still in the bag. Damn them.

The treatchery didn't start until Tuesday morning. Time to go to work. I'm having the worst cramps ever. Cramps are an understatement. My uterus is actually contracting as though I was in labor. I had no idea what to do with myself. I was in a lot of pain, so much I was shaking. I'd never experienced anything like that before. I swallowed my last handful of Motrin (about 6) and prayed for that God dude to take my life. Surely death would be better than the pain. He's no angel of mercy.

While my uterus is contracting, I remember what contractions are for: to push stuff out. I'm thinking "Oh hell there's a body part left inside." and that made me nauseaous. I hoist myself onto the toilet and several blod clots pass through. Not sure if they contained any foreign objects and I certainly wasn't going to examine them to find out. My daughter made me some tea, to ease the pain. It tasted absolutely terrible, bless her heart. I drank it anyway and the warmth helped. The children didn't want to leave me alone and I refused to let them stay home. School is a better environment for them. No need to have them around watching me writhe in pain. Eventually I pass out. I pass out long enough to remember I didn't call my job and tell them I wasn't coming. Someone called and I gave em some story and was pratically left alone for the rest of the day.

I asked the father to bring me more Motrin. Of course he didn't. Selfish bastard.

I never want to experience that kind of pain again. I'm still angry with myself for creating this situation. Those feelings may never change. I'm angry with myself for having any kind of relations with this guy, knowing he's a big fat nothing. It's likely those feelings won't change either.

Blonde Wonder still hasn't spoken to me since IHOP nite. She'll be okay. I wasn't aware that what I choose to do with my uterus was such a concern of hers. She'll be okay. I haven't seen Elmo in two weeks and I know he's going to be curious about my bloating and what the hell happened. I have no idea how I'm going to get around telling him what happened. He and I have a bizarre bond, unspoken but acknowledged. He's gonna look at me and be able to tell something's up. I don't have the energy or desire to explain.

I've pissed a lot of people off. I'm not bothered by that. What I am bothered by is the fact that these people really believe I should do what they want to appease their souls. What does this have to do with them? My karma isn't their problem. If by chance, I'm to catch hell later in life for what I've done, I'll deal with that. That's how that shit goes down.

I live life on my own terms. They'll have to get used to the fact that I think for myself and enjoy doing so.

I've had a lot of support from my cyber friends, and I thank you for it. I was able to go to work today and stay the entire day. I even did a little shopping. I started to cramp a little, but 5 Motrin knocked that out in no time. I think I'm going to be fine.

Now I'm focusing on getting my life back together, realigning myself with my goals. I'm making plans to head back to school in January and getting that degree that seems damn near out of my reach. I've renewed my job search, even though I've completed the CIA process, I can't allow myself to become complacent.

13.October.2004    09:05 PM     Commments: 2

2 comment(s) » add yours


Go 'head on an purge and junk, just make sure you drink a lot of water behind all that ibuprofen. A kidney infection ain't no joke.

posted by Monkie | 10.13.04 11:47 PM


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hope the cramps will go away soon. try not to hate yourself for what you've done just use this as a learning experience. the nerve of this dude for not getting you some medication in due time girl he'll get his.

take care of yourself.

posted by Lashundra | 10.14.04 12:21 PM


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