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Kickboxing Kicked My Ass 11.18.04
11:55 AM • 0 comment(s)permalink

I've been slacking too much with my weight loss so I've decided (with Elmo's incessant nagging) that I need to get back on track. Last time I was in the gym, I grabbed a class schedule to see what was being offered. I like lifting weights and unfortunately, not a lot of that is offered at times I can take it. I decided on two to try out: kickboxing and pilates.

Kickboxing: Jab, cross...uppercut...I can do this shit, right? Right?!? Riiiiiiiiiiight. Ten minutes into the class I'm thinking...."Okay, I can do this. This aiite." Another seven minutes pass and I'm starting to get a lil winded, but I got my game face on. I can do this. Never in life have I experienced anything like this. After the next couple of kick-punch-balance on one foot and don't forget to breathe sequences, I'm ready to collapse. I drag over to my corner to rewater myself. By that time, there were about 20 minutes left in the class. I prayed to God, Jeefus, Buddha, Jah, Allah, Jehovah...anybody who could answer my prayer to make it without passing out. By class' end I was a quivering mountain of flesh. Discovery: House music is a product of the debbil.

Pilates: just as hard but not as fast. This wasn't my first experience with pilates; I've done it at home (once) so I wasn't expecting it to be that bad. Ummm....yeah. That shit is hard. I'm not for all that lifting my torso off the floor with no hands. Howfuck is that posed to happen without hands? White people play too much. My "powerhouse" (abs n shit) need a damn jump start. Discovery: This shit is for skinny white bitches.

I'm concerned about women who just can't be without a man and feel that their lives are incomplete with out one. My sisser just happens to be one of these women. Thing 2 constantly laments bout how she want a new man. I, for one, wasn't aware she had one at all. I digress. I wonder why she can't be comfortable with herself. Why wouldn't you want to be one with....you? I also go through fleeting moments where I want a long term in my life....then I get over that lapse in mental stability. I used to think that's what I wanted because that's what I was conditioned to believe. Settle down? Why should I? Besides the fact I like doing what I want when I feel like it, there are things about myself I don't think a significant would be willing to accept. I'll be in the cut for a while longer.

I'm having more growing pains. At what age does this subside? I'd really like to know. As my layoff draws near...I'm just not pressed to go to work. I earned that unemployment; aren't I entitled to it? I'm tired of working. I wanna bum around for a while and really not do much. This certainly won't pay the bills but all that stuff will work itself out. Eventually. What I do want to do is travel. 4 cities in 7 days. Atl, Nawlins, Vegas and NY. Can I do it? The ticket is a decent price. Thank that Jeefus dude for financial aid. When I get that refund, yeah, that's where it's going. Details still need to be worked out. When I called Ma to ask her to live in my house for a week, she told me I was selfish cause I don't want to take the kids. I'm okay with that. I gave my entire existance for them; I think they can do without me for a week. Adult life sucks.

While my immediate future looks a bit bleek, I still feel very optomistic about the next chapter of my life.

•   •   •
This Mommie Shit Sucks 11.10.04
11:13 PM • 1 comment(s)permalink

My kids are growing and changing at a rate that surpasses my ability to adapt. Ages 5 and 8 are new territory for me. I know about babies; they're pretty easy. I can deal with toddlers too. My children have graduated from these stages and I'm at a loss. The boy never stops talking and the girl is has developed into a demanding diva. Mother didn't say shit bout there being days like this. If she did, I can't gaurantee I listened.

They are a bizzare pair. I'd be lying my ass off if I said I understood what's going on inside there minds. There's one thing I do know that is affecting them greatly and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives: absent fathers.

I feel so helpless when they ask about their dads, the boy more so than the girl. They have questions and I have very few answers. What can I say about men who've decided their blood isn't worth acknowleding? How can I explain to my son, the preference his father has for the children he has with his wife? I'm also lacking a sufficent explanation for the 2 year hiatus of my daughter's father. Is he even still alive? Possibly. Niggas like that don't die; they're allowed to live while respectible men are allowed to diminish.

Their pain is obvious in their defiant behavior which I'm losing patience trying to contain. I would spank them or punish them. That's not effective. I have to understand the cause of the behavior to change it. I decided to do what I usually do when I can't think of shit else to do: I bought some books. Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl?: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women. Catchy title. For they boy I bought: Countering the Conspiracy to Destroy Black Boys . The chapters within the covers may contain the answers to my quandary but I'm hoping they can be a guide.

My son calls me daddy. I don't know how to respond.

I just started reading Daddy's Little Girl. This is heavy reading. Just by reading the forward, it's evoking emotions within me about my own father and relationships with men. Emotions I wasn't aware I still harbored and behavorial patterns I'm not ready to face.

I thought by reading this book, I'd be able to gain insight as to how to help my daughter will her disconnected feelings about her estranged father. I had no idea I'd begin another phase on my course of self acceptance.

•   •   •
Iown Wanna Hear That Shit 11.04.04
11:18 AM • 1 comment(s)permalink

I just worked 30 hours in the last 2 days to keep the center open for the 1-866-OUR-VOTE hotline. A lot of good it did since the outcome of this election wasn't what many of us wanted. I'm contemplating my future as many of you are. (UPDATE: Called CIA yesterday and they told me I have another 4-6 months of processing. Dammit. A bitch'll be outta work by then.) Couchman, that nigga that used to live on my couch, gon' IM me with some straight bullshit.

Nuf Breeze: well we have a president
Nuf Breeze: I think this was the right choice
KiaSunRay: fuck his inbred ass
Nuf Breeze: yeah... but the other guy wasn't gonna be much better
KiaSunRay: glad you want to be oppressed for another 4 years
KiaSunRay: i don't even want to have this conversation
Nuf Breeze: ok

a bit later....

Nuf Breeze: Nah... alot of the senators that got voted in are of a different party
KiaSunRay: keep your air of optimism
KiaSunRay: i'm not feelin it and i already told you i don't want to have this conversation
Nuf Breeze: done

I swear for Jeefus this nigga done got my pressha all up. Fuck him and his Republican lovin ass. He should know he wasn't get no love from me on that bullshit.

This aint what I worked 30 some hours for. This hotline is nonpartisan, however, it's targeting states and groups of people that are likely to support democratic candidates. I do feel that my efforts were in vain, like a failure almost.

I feel uneasy about the next 4 years that lie ahead.

Oh yeah, this amused me.

•   •   •
1-866-OUR-VOTE 11.02.04
07:07 PM • 0 comment(s)permalink

This is my first presidential election and I'm excited. I went to the polls early to cast my ballot. The whole process took about 15 minutes; there were very few people at my polling place. Ya'll know the blacks don't vote.

I'm even more excited about the Election Protection Hotline being headquarterd at my office. It's been absolutely chaotic here. At any given time we have 100 people in the suite. The call center is crammed with volunteers. Many of them are lawyers or law students. Most are easy to deal with. It's this raggedy ass security gauard we have. Let's call him Smurphy cause that's what we called him in high school. He tried to get real comfortable since he knew me back when. I don't think so. I can't stand it when niggas refuse to be professional.

People were turned away from polls for wearing John Kerry tshirts. Polling locations in rural areas in the south were changed with out notice. Birth certificates were requested. Some voters were asked to fill out new registration forms or they wouldn't be allowed to vote. Black men were challenged about their qualifications (assuming to be ex-cons) to vote. Native Americans were told they couldn't vote if they had outstanding bills or parking tickets. An automated services, using a black woman's voice, called homes of black people telling them democrats vote on Nov. 3 and republicans on Nov. 2. Who are these henchmen that are willing to do anything to have this man re-elected? It's disgusting.

Shenanigans
Men's Room Key
Whyfuck can't these gotdamn men return the fuckin key? They're fully aware the damn door is locked. Just put it back. Some jack off took three keys. They lucky as shit I was able to find several others in my drawer. An announcement was made but none of the guys had the key. At about 8 pm, some dicksmoker decided to return it.

Oops
I confused a dyke camera lady for a man, accidentally calling her "Sir". So! She looked like a man from behind. What can I do?

The Gays
Ya'll know I got love for ya'll. I really do. But I'm sayin. Don't fuckin come up in here with these saucy attitudes (yes, this includes the lawyers) thinking Imma do whatever you want me to. Kiss my ass and go have a seat in the hotline station.

Entitled
The Lawyers Committee for Civil Rights Under Law rented out our entire suite to use as the command center for the Election Protection Hotline. One of their krakka ass krakka staff members who was responsible for staffing the Media Sign in Table asked if I had Innanet on my computer. Of course I do. Next she asked if she can go on my computer to check my email. No big deal. I was getting up to go downstairs anyway, in need of lunch. Later in the afternoon, she asks me if she can go on the Internet...again. Um....no. She had the nerve to look at me like I magically sprouted two heads. Bitch please! This is MY machine and I aint got to let you use SHIT. Not my fault your peoples didn't hook you up with a laptop. Oh yeah, you're supposed to be working the Media Sign in Table, not surfin the web. Fuck outta heah.

Where's the Phone?
"Is there another phone we can use? We need to make calls now." There are 150 phones in the back of this office and they can't find one? Fuck no you can't use my phone. Skeedaddle. My area is the only area that's off limits when we rent out the center. Shit, this is my work area, muhfukkas. Back up off me.

Overall this has been a great experience and I'm glad to have been a part of it.

•   •   •