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Year In Review 12.31.04
09:18 PM • 6 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

I'm sittin here chillin, not doin shit. I finally got of my lazy butt and cleaned up this computer room. I need to do the rest of the house, but, eh, I'll get to it.

As I was cleaning up, I came across some pictures the kids drew when they were in preschool. Fuzzy feelings came forth. I barely have their infancy documented; life was much different then. Looking back reminded me of worse times: when I hated myself, had no direction, the incessant daily struggle of just...existing.

My situation is shakey right now but I remember when things were worse and can't believe how I made it. My optimism has been renewed. The tail end of 2k4 was a trial for me and difficult to not becomed engulfed in feelings of failure. Maybe I am too hard on myself.

Blonde Wonder got hold of my Amazon Wish List and bout me a Crimmh gift. I don't expect gifts from anybody but was really shocked when this extra random box arrived at my door. She gave me Mis-education of the Negro and the new Green Day cd. I was so *dead*! Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.

Yesterday, I received a call that shook me. The Office of Early Childhood Development called and told me to come in to apply for daycare vouchers for the kids. I could barely breathe. After being waitlisted for a year and a half, I pretty much forgot about it. DC really aint into helpin folks if you aint on drugs or a welfare queen. I wasn't bothered by the call, per se, but when the intake officer asked me how many children were being placed, I paused. It was a reminder of the life that's no longer living. Daycare costs were one of the reasons I decided it's not the time for me to mother a small one, and look at what happens. Things are being laid out to help me. I wonder what lies ahead since I decided to alter my fate.

•   •   •
Hmph! 12.30.04
08:48 PM • 3 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

I don't do the whole New Year's resolution thing, being that I think they're a colossal waste of time. The same prollems I had in 2k4 gon' carry over to 2k5. The changing of the tide really aint gon' make much of a difference. What I do find to be fun is that whole 101 in 1001 thing rather interesting. In case you haven't read about it (and you call yourself bloggers), the gist of 101 in 1001 is to make a list of 101 things you'd like to accomplish in 1001 days. Seems simple enough. I think this'll be a good way for me to accomplish some goals if I'm able to write them down and track my progress in a forum style outlet. I'm looking forward to it. I'm currently working on the list and it'll be posted once the migration to queensexy.net is complete. Well actually, the migration hasn't started yet, but that's just a minor detail, right?

After the October mishap, I decided I needed to regain my focus and get back on track with my goals. I went down to my school today to inquire bout my financial aid package and register for class. Usually I'll sign up for 3 classes, take 2 and pocket the refund. My finacial aid always covers me for 3 classes, full-time status. The Bush Administration, who shall be known as Propoganda and Bullshit, has yet again wreaked havoc in my life. Tuition increases and decreases in Federal Student Aid equal out of pocket expenses. I'm so not feeling it. Now that I can't take 4 classes per quarter, I won't get my degree in a year. I'm blowed and not in a good way. G-Dubs is royally fucking up my plans. I can only take two classes now; after this quarter, I'll be eligible for more money. After this quarter, my average should be high enough for me to qualify for some scholarship money. This aint a game. This quarter I'm taking logic and some boring microsoft course. I'm gonna pass both of them this time. Erm, the last time I took classes almost a year ago, me n logic aint get along so hot.

•   •   •
Deaf Niggas Aint Shit 12.27.04
06:22 PM • 15 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

Okay, so Batty Boy is chatting me up, finding out what I like to do. He wants to have dinner and I have no idea how to get out of it. I ask him where he wants to go and he's perplexed cause he thought we were gonna have dinner at my house. My.Damn.House. I don't think so, homeboy. He should be grateful I'm agreeing to meet his deaf ass. He's silent for a minute then asks me what I want to do afterward. Hm....I never mentioned an afterward. He then wants to know if I want some action. *GASP* Not only is this nigga deaf, but he trynna smash too! All in the same day! Initially, he asked me if I wanted some adult company tonite and I said no. What the fuck I look like lettin him in my damn house and we chatted for what, less than an hour today? Go head mang.

After I tell his ass iown get down like that, he signs off. Good riddance you deaf bastard.

Edit---Karsh aint shit. Na'an bit.

•   •   •
I Can't Hear You 12.27.04
12:22 PM • 4 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

~SunRay~ needs to be fucked desires male company, so she did the sensible thing and joined a dating site. Easy right? Yeah, fuck that.

Okay, so I made up a profile and posted a pic or two. Got a few hits. This one dude hits me up. Part of his handle is Sweet_Jamaican which concerns me. Um..aint that gay. (from this point oh, he shall be dubbed Batty Boy).

Batty Boy hits me up wanting to chat. Okay, cool. He tells me he's working on his Master's degree at Gallaudet Universtiy. Hmmmmm....That's the local deaf college. Some undeaf people attend, but it's really a place designed for the hearing impaired. He works there too.

I fret cause iown know how to ask this dude if he can hear, but I finally ask him if he needs to know sign language to work there. He let's me know he does and is very fluent in lipread.

**JAW DROP**

How am I supposed to tell this deaf dude I prefer a nigga that can hear me? I have no fucking clue. Not hardly. How do I always end up in fucked up sitiations like this? In the meantime, I've blocked him cause I don't know what to say to him right now. What?! Don'tcha'll eein look at me like that.

Any suggestions. And be nice!

•   •   •
The Threes 12.24.04
10:22 AM • 3 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

Because I'm vapid (and this guy has a hit on my head), I shall partake another meme.

Three names you go by:
~SunRay~
Queen Sexy
Mommie

Three screen names you have:
KiaSunRay
Feminem
KiaDRay

Three things you like about yourself:
Self-Confidence
Honesty
Thighs

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
Apathetic Nature
Fickleness
Stubborn

Three parts of your heritage:
African-American

Three things that scare you:
Failure
Rejection
Loneliness

Three of your everyday essentials:
Chapstick (must the the Chapstick brand)
African Pride Braid Sheen Spray
Degree

Three things you are wearing right now:
Grey tshirt
Blue Pajama pants w/yellow duckies
Rubberband

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
Lil' Scrappy
Incubus
SWV

Three of your favorite songs at present:
FILA- Lil' Scrappy
Silly Love Song- Michel'le
Dirt Off Your Shoulder/Lying From You- Jay-Z/Linkin Park

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Good credit
Remodling the house
White water rafting

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Trust
Honesty
Affection

Two truths and a lie:
I'm in love with a gay man
Nelly is my favorite rapper
I'm working on an undergrad degree

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
Dark, smooth skin
Broad shoulders
Ass

Three things you just can't do:
Have an LTR
Forgive
Math

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Blogging
Learning
Computer stuff

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
Go to sleep
Quit working here
Get a full time job

Three careers you're considering:
Project Manager
Artist (like panting and drawin shit)
Real Estate Investor

Three places you want to go on vacation:
Italy
Scotland
Hawaii

Three kids names:
Kaylah
Reighn
Damani

Three things you want to do before you die:
Study art in Italy
Have several investment properties
Lose 160 lbs

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
Prime Bear
Monkie
Rocka

*aside--speaking of Rocka, why that nigga site called rockaonline.com, but that nigga aint neva online?*

•   •   •
Name The Song, Part Deux 12.22.04
12:30 AM • 3 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

When I compiled the previous post, I knew there would be a coupla songs nobody would get. Yes I did that intentionally. I wanted to see how broad ya scope was. Big ups to all those who participated. Imma reveal the artists of the ones that were stumpers.

*DRUM ROLL*

2. Chevelle, One Lonely Visitor. Good way to sum up a good aggressive rock cd.

4. Incubus, Agoraphobia. Good stuff.

8. Michel'le, Silly Love Song. How could ya'll forget Ms. Nicety? Scroll down and check out track 7.

12. Lil' Jon feat. Lil' Scrappy, FILA (Forever I Love Atlanta). This one slipped by my down souf crunk peoples. *note--the link for FILA is only for the soundbite.*

•   •   •
Name The Song 12.21.04
02:31 PM • 19 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

I saw this here and thought it would be fun to try. Besides, I gotta give ya'll sumfin to do.

Step 1: Put your media player on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 15 songs that play.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly and give them credit

Try to do this from memory and no looking up the lyrics on the net.

Have fun!

**Edit Lissen here, sugar bloomers, you guys gotta comment to get credit. Do Not IM/Email responses to me. K, TKS. /Edit**

KB is takin the #1 spot. 1. No more games/Imma change what you call rage/Tear this muthafuckin roof off/Like two dogs caged. Loose Yourself, Eminem How could ya'll not be able to guess one song from my favorite rapper?

2. It's time to wake up and separate feelings/That I keep falling into/It seems like good reasons/I'm gonna break down/I don't care if it shows up.

Leeser 3. Cause my heart starts beating tripple time/With thoughts of loving you on my mind/I can't figure just what to do/When the cause and cure is you. Weak, SWV

4.Put down your hollow tips/And kiss your lovers lips/And know that fate is what we make of it/Please end this, please end this/Before it ends us, ends us.

Karsh 5. It looks as though/You're letting go/And if it's real then I don't want to know. Don't Speak, No Doubt

Go Leeser! 6. My goodness/How it seems like yesterday/She crushed you/Hurt you in the strongest way Use Your Heart, SWV

Prime 7. Just get yourself together/Or we might as well say goodbye/What good is a love affair/If we can't see eye to eye? If You Don't Know Me By Now, Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes

8. I love you more and more each day/And baby if I had my way/I'd write a song all about you boy/And I'd sing it all over the world.

CrackMonkie at it again. 9. Too late/My time has come/Send shivers down my spine/Body's aching all the time/Goodbye everybody/I've got to go/Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. *This reminds me of my gramma, ironically* Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

Leeser 10. Now that it's over/Stop calling me/Come pick up your clothes/No need to front like you're still with me/All your homies know. My, Myself and I, Beyondre

Leesesr 11. I'm da beast from da East/With da fangs on my teef/I'll murder all you bitches in the middle of the street/And I don't give a fuck/If you don't like me/Straight knock your ass out/Into captivity. Lil' Scrappy, Head Bussa

12. You don't wanna step too close/Or go too far/Cause where I'm from/Shorty, niggas beat you down with they car.

Monkie got it. 13. I knew a girl name Nikki/I guess you could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine/She said "How'd you like to waste some time?"/And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind. Darling Nikki, Prince and the Revolution

Yeaaaaah feepee. Folks slept on that joint. 14. You love means the world to me/Words cannot express the joy you bring/Your love moves me tenderly/To have you by my side means everything. Musiq, Settle for My Love

Prime 15. You don't wanna be dead in the streets/Mouth fulla blood and a soul fulla heat/Why you trynna act hard as hell/And you know damn well/You don't wanna feel the shells. Lil' Scrappy, No Problem

•   •   •
The Spirit 12.18.04
12:18 AM • 2 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

I wish I had it this year, but alas, it has escaped me. This used to be my favorite time of year: decorating, baking, togetherness....I'm just not there this year. I don't want to take away from the kids fun and enjoyment so I'm trynna suck it up and take one for the team. Aint that what good mommies are supposed to do?

I'm having serious conflicting feelings about Baby Daddy 3. I've been a bitch to the nth degree. Honestly, I feel entitled to be able to treat him like shit if I feel like it. I'm adult enough to know that kind of behavior is inappropriate, however, I'm also woman enough to admit I enjoyed doing it. I want him to suffer and hurt as much as I did. He'll never experience what I experienced. My mind tells me I should feel bad, even ashamed of the way I've treated him, but I don't. I feel absolutely nothing. Is apathy worse than love or hate? I intentionally led him on and told him all kinds of lies. I even amused myself with the creativity I put in to it. You can't manipulate and emotionally destroy someone and not expect retribution, vengeance and treachery in return. *GASP* I just happen to all three of those in my arsenal. That same shit you shit, eventually, you'll sniff.

This situation with dude has clouded my easy going demeanor. I don't like to act that way and I've just come to terms with this distructive behavior. I can't recall when the feeling of disgust for him settled in the pit of my stomach, but it's been excreted and I can move forward.

•   •   •
~SunRay's~ Mix 12.16.04
01:16 PM • 5 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

Him: Are you at work?
Me: Yeah, why?
Him: ummmm...you might wanna check your mailbox
Me: Whyfor?
Him:there's something in there.....

My Nover is the bestest. He took the time to figure out what songs I loved, what songs I didn't have and made a special mix cd just for me. That's some tedious, time consuming, lovable shit. Why can't I find a (straight) man like this?

•   •   •
Venting 12.12.04
12:20 AM • 3 comment(s)1 trackback(s)permalink

I saw this on her site, and thought it would be fun to try and some stuff. Basically you address 11 people in your life and tell them something that you might not otherwise say to their face. You don't name names. Here goes.....

1. Our friendship is special, very unorthodox. You keep me sane. I love you exactly as you are, including your bitchy demeanor. I've tried to emulate this bond with others but failed terribly. Eventhough we can't be together, I'm proud to have you as my soulmate. No matter what, I'll always have your back.

2. Very tentative we were, but developed a closeness that is acknowledged but never discussed. You have been patient with me and try to help me with my never ending problem. I enjoy being in your presence and respect your opinion. I'm conviced you and I are the same person. I was excited about what we could be, the potential within. Unfortunately, the feeling isn't reciprical. You bastard.

3. As a child, I was convinced you hated me. Resembling my father, I was a painful reminder of burden, abuse and death. I didn't understand your grieving and became distant. I resented you. I bucked; you bucked harder. Now that I have become a woman, I'm able to appeciate you. You taught me how to be a mother, a woman and a friend.

4. I used to watch you in the school yard but was hesitant to approach you. The girls loooooved them some you cause you were so cute, smart and well dressed. I was jealous of your girlfriends then, and to this day, I'll advise you to stay away from a bitch just cause I'm a hater and couldn't stand they way you were being treated. I was flummoxed to find out I was envied in high school cause of our friendship and was a barrier for other relationships you tried to established. Them hoes was threatened by me. I rawk for that.

5. This'll prolly be a friendship that will last a lifetime. We met in third grade because we were about to fight; you were dumb enough to think you could whoop me. Our friendship quickly developed cause we damn sure didn't want to get popped by the ruler and our teacher didn't play. Our struggles brought us closer together. I don't agree with all the choices you make but we'll be homies for ever. And you were the first chick ever to jiggle my boobies.

6. You are the dumbest cunt I've ever met and the fact that we share the same blood disgusts me on a regular basis. You're a user and could care less about the people around you who tried to help you and befriend you. You've shitted on your mother numerous times cause you feel like she owes you something, when in fact, she gave you what she could. You hate me cause I'm better than you. I think you should swallow a bottle of valium and have vodka as a chaser.

7. Krakka lovin nigger. I wish I could really be mad at you a whole lot but the fact is you're an asstard. You have no idea what you want out of a relationship and chase any blond hair, blue eyed tramp that'll look your way. They reject you. They always do. When they're done using you for whateverthefuck, you come running to me, as usual. I'd have to be lying dead and cold before you'd ever find out how deep my throat is. Keep fucking with me and I'll have you deported. Oh yeah, break me off with $500 for my couch.

8. You're precious. When you arrived I had no idea how to care for you. I was a confused child myself. Not wanting to appear ignorant, I read and studied to learn all about you. You're beautiful, a reflection of me. My look, my smile, and unfortunately, my attitude. You remind me why I work like a field nigga with one foot. I need nothing but want to give you everything.

9. We met not long ago and you were an instant addition to my life. You always feel unappreciated, but I appreciate you. I want nothing from you, but you. I can count on you to listen to me whine and advise me. I need to surround myself with more people like you who love me unconditionally. I wish I could take away all your pain and troubles; you don't deserve to feel any pain or strife. **NOTE: This one is actually about two people but for redundancy's sake, I combined it.**

10. You worry me. I'm concerned about your bitterness, it's almost hate. People like you, they really do. Don't push away those who have your best interests at heart. Allow yourself to love. We'll love you back.

11. I was a young, young girl when I met you. I had no business hanging out in the streets. Introduced by a mutual friend, we quickly became enamored. We did everything together. My mom didn't approve because of our age difference but it didn't matter to me. We were two loaners in search of the love with didn't have at home or within ourselves. I'm saddend by the man you've become; I had no idea you'd turn out to be such a slacker. I still clinging to the slim hope you'll come to your senses and behave as a man should. Our time has passed, however, you have other obligations you need to fulfill.

•   •   •
Um....This Ain't Gon' Work 12.10.04
08:53 AM • 10 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

Welp, I've gained 9lbs, to Elmo's displeasure. He'll deal. I did get a good lecture yesterday about my eating habits and motivation. He's right though. I'm *this* close to saying fuck it all. I still have residue from my October trials. What can I say?

He begins to fish for reasons for my lack of motivation, wanting to know the other reasons for my growing displeasure and reminds me of our open relationship. We can discuss anything, right? Right?!?!?! He leads me to a fairly quiet spot and I finally tell him, "I'm attracted to you." His response: "I had a feeling." Then....nothing. Nigga might as well gon' brush his shoulders off. How can this be all he has to say? Bastard. I waited how many months for that? That's like fuckin but not gettin a nut, just incomplete. He told me to take his hiatus as some time to think over whether or not I'll continue to train with him. I'm straddling the fence on this one. Will I or won't I? Do I really want to be around him? Now that he knows for sure, it just aint fun anymore. I still think he has other preferenes (other than me, apparently) and still don't have the balls to admit it to me. Hmph. Don't Speak has been in heavy rotation.

Since we're on this whole honesty thing, he finally fessed up bout why it took him a full year to stretch me. Come to find out another trainer told him that he shouldn't have some one my size getting up and down off the floor cause it could be potentially embarassing for me. My initial reaction was befuddled, cause for the life of me, I didn't understand why he didn't come to me and ask ME what my preferences are. Why let some outside nigga dicatate what I can and cannot do? There are some fat people that are comfortable in the pudgy casings they live in. I'm one of those people. As I think about it more, the more annoyed I get. Fucker.

In other bizarre news, Couchman hit me up yesterday. For simplicity's sake, Couchman is that nigga that used to live on my couch. Last week he was in the throes of another failed attempt at securing his status symbol, Chez Whitey Krakka Bitch.

A couple of days ago he called me at work. We were talkin bout...oh like like I really know what we were talkin bout. I wasn't payin attention. Oh yeah, I told him he sucks, or something to that effect and he made some off comment bout coming over and finding out blah blah. My response: "I'm not white." I certainly can't be confused with Suzie or Becky. My skin way to brown for that. It looks like my comment got to him a bit and he felt the need to address it on IM yesterday. Allegedly, he's been attracted to me since we met but felt that we'd be better off as friends, for whatever reason. Funny, I couldn't tell. He was too busy chasing after pinks to actually consider me as a potential.
But check this: Dude wants to sample the goods, but oh, we're just friends. The FUCK? What I look like being his fall back hoe? After aaaaalllll the white chicks done rejected him, he finally decides a black woman is good enough. PSSSSSSSSSSH! Fuck outta 'o heauh with that bullshit. Mang.

In bizarre fashion news, I saw this pink on the train this morning on my way to work. The weather has been unusually warm for December so folks have lightned up on their heavy winter gear. That's cool but, um, this chick had on a damn winter white WOOL coat with matching scarf...and sandals. The hell wrong with this girl?

•   •   •
Stretch Meeeeeee! 12.02.04
10:17 PM • 6 comment(s)0 trackback(s)permalink

Lawd Jeefus do I need to be fucked. Not sure where this spike in libido came from and this shit bout to irk my nerves. Aint like I got available dick (ahem, I'm refering to dick attached to a living, breathing male) lying around that can just help me out.

To ease my, erm, tension, I ate a quarter pint of Chocolate Haagen Dazs. That usually does the trick. That shit aint work. Today I've been determined to be touched by a male human and I got Elmo to do it. He's so accomodating.

While I was sweating and wheezing on the elliptical, I spy Elmo stretching one of his clients. Hmmmmmmmm...never ever in the full year that I've been his client (our anniversary was last week, btw) he's never stretched me after our sessions. This isn't the first time I've peeped this neither. How come the old ladies get stretched and I don't? When our session is coming to a close, I spy another trainer stretching his client. Whyfuck don't I get the full deal? Of course I rant and bitch and let him know that I don't get stretched like everybody else. His response: "you stretch yourself." Well gotdamn! I guess I don't have any other options, do I?

When I finished the last set of tricep extensions, he tells me to sit down on the bench. Alrighty. Then he walks behind me. This is the part where I get concerned cause don't no nigga just go walkin up behind me like that. You're likely to get your balls ripped from your body.

To stretch my legs, I'm led over to the stretching corner. My sweet Jeefus that corner smelt like sun baked ass. That's juss wasn't right. I mean damn. How can I get my jollies lying in a corner that smells like a sewer?

He applies some pressure; I demand more by simply stating "more." Sorry. I felt to good to concern myself with coherent sentances. So! He got the damn pernt! He liked hearing it. Control issues anyone?

Him: You're agressive. That how it go down?
Me: Occasionally.
Him: I believe you.

He giggles when I tell him I wont break. Shit, nigga BEND ME.

I've got jerk off material for the next two weeks.

•   •   •