He came back after the new year and everything's cool. He's bringing it hard. I'm impressed. I didn't think he had it in him. I enjoy it all eventhough my flippant comments and saucey attitude shows other wise. I'm having an issue with one exercise that he thinks is the greatest. Hell, I like it too but what I don't like is its affect on me. This is the part where you guys use your great imaginations, mmmkay?

Imagine me...lying back with my head supported on a ball. A big ass ball. The rest of my body is in a bridge-like position with hips elevated. (I call this position Mating). Elmo is kind enough to give me any heavy object he can find and instructs me to press up and down, you know, bench press like. Everything's cool till he stands over me. I sofuckinghatethat. You wanna know why? Everytime I look up, I'm looking directly into his abysmal crotch. That shit drives me nuts. (no pun intended) I know he thinks it's the weight or fatigue. It's the thought of his balls dangling at the tip of my nose that sends the weights to wobblin. He knows I don't like it, but does it anyway. Unless he want me to nibble on his sac, he'll move that sucker.

KiaSunRay: aintchu gone yet
MizLise: gone where?
MizLise: where the hell am i going? damn
KiaSunRay: ionw know
KiaSunRay: to hell
MizLise: LMAO

MizLise: oh HELL no ...man
MizLise: my sister claiming she gave me my batteries and charger back
MizLise: that heffa did NOT
KiaSunRay: ut oh....
MizLise: i need that shit back...my vibrator eats up too many batteries to keep buying them
MizLise: she gonna buy me a new one
KiaSunRay: *death*
KiaSunRay: T
KiaSunRay: M
KiaSunRay: I
MizLise: shuddup

Ya'll know Lise a lil tetched.

In preparation for my appointment at the Salvation Army, I remember who these types of programs are supposed to be for: poor people. I'm not exactly poor, just broke, which is a step up from being poor. In my resourcefulness, I thought it would be a good idea to use my paystubs from the candle store, since I couldn't figure out how to make somebody believe I was unemployed with this pretty fresh head of braids I'm carrying.

I fill out that form and lie. Lie my ass off. The only thing I couldn't lie about was my pay rate which is clearly on my paystub. They didn't even want a bank statement which made it that much easier.
When the intake worker called me in, (who was late for work, btw) she glanced at my file and asked if I'd been to the Energy Office. I explained how I went and my income was too high, but my income "changed" and all that jazz. She looked sympathetic and even called the director of the Energy program to find out if I could reapply. Before I left, she said, "Go ahead and sign your name to this, because I'm going to give you the maximum benefit from the Fuel Fund. The Energy Office should be able to help with the rest." That was the easiest money I'd ever made.

I haul ass down to the Energy Office. I signed in. The elderly lady at the desk stared in awe at my hair and asked how much it costs, something I despise. I take a seat and wait. And wait some more. We are led to a room where two young black folk begin to discuss what home weatherization is and what steps we can take to reduce heating costs. Um...ghetto is too kind of a description for this performance. Dude was up there like he was a rapper or something, wildly gesticulating and whatnot. Some hoodrat sittin in the back attempted to ask a question, but that shit aint hardly make no sense. I had one of those "fuckisyousayin?" moments. Besides his comical act, the workshop was actually interesting. I learned a lot of stuff I didnt know. I actually have to change the filter on my furnace? EW. I even won a home weatherization kit, complete with power drill. Chea!

When I get upstairs to where they actually give money out, I faced a prollem. I was already in the system as being over income. How do I
get around that to get what I want? The elderly intake worker, who was listening to Biggie in her cubicle, calls the super fine manager over and asks what she should do. I explain to this schlup that my income changed and blah blah. He was cool with that but wanted a letter on candle store letterhead to verify my sporadic schedule. I told him if there was more than one manager in the store at that time, it was possible, if not...

Of course there was only one manager in the store. Rarely do management shifts overlap. I let ole boy overhear me ask D if she was the only manager in the store and asked what time F came in. He relented and decided to use my paystubs, which clearly reflected different hours worked for each week. He made up a number to use as my yearly income. How easy was that? Punch in a few numbers...bada bing bada boom...I walk out of the Energy office with $767 toward that bill. Total take for today's hustle...$1400 for two hours of my time.

This, my friends, is how you pimp the system.

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Completion Date: October 10, 2007

1. Read the Bible.
2. Fix the electrical problems in my house.
3. Fix the heating problem in my house.
4. Fix the plumbing problems in my house.
5. Set up separate bedrooms for the kids.
6. Set up a network in my house.
7. Get new furniture.
8. Decorate my bedroom.
9. Eliminate my credit card debt.
10. Reinforce good credit habits.
11. Raise my credit score to 650.
12. Purchase investment property.
13. Finish my undergrad degree.
14. Get a better job
15. Maintain a workout regimen.
16. Lose 100 pounds.
17. Develop a more ladylike wardrobe.
18. Date a white man.
19. Date a black man.
20. Learn to love.
21. Buy every cd on my cd list
22. Visit the World of Coca-Cola museum.
23. Cook dinner everyday for a month.
24. Take care of all necessary dental work.
25. Party in Vegas.
26. Learn to cut grass
27. Go bar hopping and get crazy drunk.
28. Take more pics of the kids.
29. Start a photo gallery
30. Take a professional development seminar.
31. Wear my hair in a style that is not braided.
32. Buy new eye glasses.
33. Learn to play the guitar.
34. Be more assertive.
35. Learn to play pool well.
36. Buy a new bed.
37. Wear make-up for a day.
38. Enroll my daughter in dance classes.
39. Enroll my son in sports.
40. Subscribe to a fitness magazine.
41. Find out why Elmo didn't respond to my crush.
42. Rearrange the living room.
43. Go to a Broadway play.
44. Take a drawing class.
45. Feed ducks.
46. Paddle boat across the Potomac River.
47. Be friendly to people I don't know.
48. Go 24 hours without using the computer.
49. Get a new cell phone.
50. Wear a g-string.
51. Have a cookout.
52. Improve my grammar.
53. Get an mp3 player to wear in the gym.
54. Wax my eyebrows every two weeks for 3 months.
55. Go to credit counseling.
56. Start a savings account.
57. Discuss my social anxiety with a psychologist/psychiatrist.
58. Dance on a bar.
59. Attend an adult toy party.
60. Buy a new stereo for my living room.
61. Join the Toastmasters (public speaking) Club at school.
62. Practice Photoshop tutorials.
63. Order a movie from the Play Boy channel.
64. Design a scrapbook.
65. Have bi-monthly outings with the kids.
66. Volunteer in the kids' classrooms.
67. Wear heels everyday for a week.
68. Win $2000 playing Blackjack.
69. Dust the ceiling fans.
70. Light a fire in the fireplace.
71. Buy a new diamond ring for mom.
72. Buy really big ghetto gold hoop earrings.
73. Wear pajamas in public.
74. Offer assistance to someone.
75. Get a massage.
76. Learn to swim.
77. Go sightseeing in my city.
78. Paint the living room, dining room and hallway.
79. Rake leaves.
80. Start a garden.
81. Eat vegetables everyday.
82. Take the kids on a vacation.
83. Wear a push up bra.
84. Trim my nose hair.
85. Consolidate email accounts.
86. Read to the kids every night I don't have to work.
87. Babysit for a friend.
88. Go to a swingers party.
89. Make my brother visit me.
90. Learn to accept my sisters.
91. Learn to use my security system.
92. Level the backyard.
93. Admit when I'm wrong.
94. Apologize when I'm wrong.
95. Be on time for work.
96. Talk to the kids without swearing.
97. Stop being judgmental.
98. Go to Italy.
99. Research a topic I'm passionate about.
100. Return phone calls of people I don't like to talk to.
101. Get a subscription to the local newspaper.

I've talked to a few people about doing a list like this. Some don't want to jump on the bandwagon. Others feel they don't have enough to fill up a list. Some think they don't have anything to put on a list at all. I find it hard to believe that no one has dreams and goals. Figure out what you want to do, make a plan and do it. It really is that simple.

EJ couldn't have said it better. "~SunRay~: Be nice and you bask in her glow.
Be mean and she'll burn your azz up." That's pretty much a summary of my interaction with people. I'm now awakening from myself-centered slumber to realize the sun's rays are blistering, baking and hurting peoople. You don't have to be mean to feel heat emanate from the sun's rays. Approach me when I don't want to be bothered, you'll feel it. Approach me when I'm semi-plesant and you'll still feel it. It's the chance you take, right? Recently, I've hurt someone's feelings and I almost feel bad about it. Almost.

Despite this blog, I'm generally a private person. I discuss myself very little. It's easier to make it through life that way. There was a time where I'd discuss my life freely but ya'll know how blacks are. I don't want to be placed in a barrell with other crabs nipping at my heels. I have a friend. A Ghetto Friend. Nice woman. Self serving woman. Now she likes to help people. That's a good trait. Because she talks so much about how much she's done for others, I feel her help isn't genuine. She wants to make herself look good. We all know people like that. Lately, she's been calling me and I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to see her either. She's just so....nosey. If I wanted to tell her my business, I wouldn't answer her questions with vague answers.

One day she called me while I was at work, demanding to know why I didn't call her back. I was tired. Fed up. Annoyed. So I told her the truth: "I didn't want to." Through the phone I could hear her gasp. She couldn't believe I said that. Why ask a question you really don't want the answer to? It wasn't the right or nice thing to say, but dammit, what else is there to say after all the typical "I'm busy" excuses have been exhausted?

Karma is ugly. Karma is gon' come back and slap me for that. You really gotta be aware of how you treat people. When that shit comes back on you, it's nothing nice. I know what I did, so when something fucked up happens to me, I'll know why. I'll take it with a grain of salt and keep steppin. But, um, we got some folks out here that do seriously fucked up shit, I mean seriously dog people on the regular and think that shit is A-Ok. When fucked up shit happens to them, they think ill of the world, when really, they brought that shit on themselves. I'm sick of people who can't own up to their fuckery and not willing to change. As long as you shit on people for your personal enjoyment, you'll be shitted on tenfold. For real.