Ya'll know how determined I am. Once I figure out what I want to do, I make a plan and do it, right? During this post, I went down to the Convention Center for the mass intake for the DC Energy office. Come to find out them sunsabitches wasn't gon' pay my bill or give me any discounts cause of my income. Said I was 10k over the limit. Ain't that bout a bitch? Try to be honest and look at where it gets you. As we speak, my gas bill is still out of control to the tune of $1467. Who's gon' pay that? Not me. Fuck I look like, First National Bank?

In preparation for my appointment at the Salvation Army, I remember who these types of programs are supposed to be for: poor people. I'm not exactly poor, just broke, which is a step up from being poor. In my resourcefulness, I thought it would be a good idea to use my paystubs from the candle store, since I couldn't figure out how to make somebody believe I was unemployed with this pretty fresh head of braids I'm carrying.

I fill out that form and lie. Lie my ass off. The only thing I couldn't lie about was my pay rate which is clearly on my paystub. They didn't even want a bank statement which made it that much easier.
When the intake worker called me in, (who was late for work, btw) she glanced at my file and asked if I'd been to the Energy Office. I explained how I went and my income was too high, but my income "changed" and all that jazz. She looked sympathetic and even called the director of the Energy program to find out if I could reapply. Before I left, she said, "Go ahead and sign your name to this, because I'm going to give you the maximum benefit from the Fuel Fund. The Energy Office should be able to help with the rest." That was the easiest money I'd ever made.

I haul ass down to the Energy Office. I signed in. The elderly lady at the desk stared in awe at my hair and asked how much it costs, something I despise. I take a seat and wait. And wait some more. We are led to a room where two young black folk begin to discuss what home weatherization is and what steps we can take to reduce heating costs. Um...ghetto is too kind of a description for this performance. Dude was up there like he was a rapper or something, wildly gesticulating and whatnot. Some hoodrat sittin in the back attempted to ask a question, but that shit aint hardly make no sense. I had one of those "fuckisyousayin?" moments. Besides his comical act, the workshop was actually interesting. I learned a lot of stuff I didnt know. I actually have to change the filter on my furnace? EW. I even won a home weatherization kit, complete with power drill. Chea!

When I get upstairs to where they actually give money out, I faced a prollem. I was already in the system as being over income. How do I
get around that to get what I want? The elderly intake worker, who was listening to Biggie in her cubicle, calls the super fine manager over and asks what she should do. I explain to this schlup that my income changed and blah blah. He was cool with that but wanted a letter on candle store letterhead to verify my sporadic schedule. I told him if there was more than one manager in the store at that time, it was possible, if not...

Of course there was only one manager in the store. Rarely do management shifts overlap. I let ole boy overhear me ask D if she was the only manager in the store and asked what time F came in. He relented and decided to use my paystubs, which clearly reflected different hours worked for each week. He made up a number to use as my yearly income. How easy was that? Punch in a few numbers...bada bing bada boom...I walk out of the Energy office with $767 toward that bill. Total take for today's hustle...$1400 for two hours of my time.

This, my friends, is how you pimp the system.

14.January.2005    07:44 PM     Commments: 6

6 comment(s) » add yours


HOOD! Straight up HOOD!

posted by Prime (AKA Mike) | 01.14.05 11:06 PM


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They grow up so fast! *wipes tear from eye*

posted by karsh | 01.15.05 12:04 PM


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2 big thumbs up.. sometimes ya do what cha gotta do... hell i'm looking for a way to cut back on some bills around this joint too.. Ya heard me..

posted by Pam - Reddy | 01.16.05 12:14 AM


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shoot! i'm jealous! dem white folks here in MN be ON YA AZZ! i wish it was that simple for me. the be wanting fanga prints from your boss and shyt! lmao! there be alot of hoops we gotta jump thru to get shit here. *sigh* imma just start hustling... see what they making me do?

posted by feepee | 01.18.05 09:57 AM


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Well first off, I LOVE your new diggs! Nova is the shiznit. I think it reflects your personality.
Secondly I need you with me so I can try to get energy assistance for the first time in my life. I'll probably go in there and get rejected just because I don't have a clue.
Congrats and way to go. The system should be pimped everytime you can do it. You go girl!

posted by Cheryl | 01.18.05 11:19 PM


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You are my HERO!!!!

posted by Stacey | 02.07.05 04:43 PM


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