Life has taken an interesting turn, into corners and crevices I thought were well avoidable. Once so sure, so confident, I have turned into a hollow casing of my former self. Decisions are few, problems too many. Anxiety and depression have been come my new partners in crime.
I couldn't believe it. "Not me. Hmph. I don't need help." My own arrogance holds me captive in a misery I no longer wish to reside. Needy by many and few to rely on, I open my benefits package to determine my resources. I've been carrying the brochure around for weeks, afraid to call and too afraid to face myself. The episodes of the past two nights finally gave me the push I need to make the call.
"Thank you for calling the Employee Assistance Program. All of our counselors are busy at this time. Please hold the line, and your call will be answered in turn." Counselor. Aren't those people that, well, counsel people who have problems? Certainly I've dialed the wrong number. How can I, the quintessential black woman, who does all and knows all, need counseling? Flip and flop my stomach went as I was on hold wondering what I'm going to say when a human acutally picks up the phone.
A middle aged white woman picked up and began to take my info and went through her confidentiality spiel. When she asked me what the problem was, I became tongue tied and didn't know what to say. She was very patient and asked few questions and barely offerend an opinion--only an assesment. I appreciate that. The last thing I can handle at this time is another fuckin unwarrented opinion. That'll surely remove me from my happy place. Again.
Maybe it was that dream about my daddy that took me over the edge. He's been gone for 15 years and it's been several years since I've dreamed about him. It felt so good to have him around even for that brief moment. Unfortunately, he didn't get to discuss what I'm sure was the point of his visit. When he began to talk, he started to fade out, and hasn't come back since. Maybe I'll never know what Daddy wanted to say to me but I did get cussed out for not taking out the trash.« ... now bounce.
Lawd, lawd, lawd it's always something. Yesterday, The Boy decided he wanted to start a fight. That's right. His little six year old behind walked up to another boy (who is older than him might I add) and told this child he wanted to fight him. *Aside: You really should know how to fight prior to starting one.* As apparent as the bruise in the corner of his eye, he didn't win. Not letting her little brother get beat up too bad, The Girl jumps in and does what she does. She sure is a fighter to be so dainty. To make a long story short, they jump the boy. Why do I have this on my hands? I have no idea where they gettin this gully behavior from. (BTW, I didn't ask you shit, mmmkay?)
Aye, I'm still breavin. It's been a long time since I gave a damn about anything long enough to consider writing about it.
It's spring here in the city and that's put me in a real good mood. I love sunshine. Because the sun is shining, it's time for my annual shot of estrogen, when I begin to like all things girly. Bleh. When the sun starts shinin in the hood, what's the two things blacks folks do first? 1). wash they cars and 2). get a fire goin in the grill. As I stepped over sudsy streams pouring down the curb, I notice the hood has the distinct smell of gasoline. Or what I thought was gasoline. When I get closer, I realize that shit is lighter fluid. Who the hell needs to use a whole bottle of lighter fluid to spark some coals?! C'mon black people, we've got to do better.
I went to the doc on Monday and I've actually lost 4 lbs since last month. Good accomplishment since I didn't follow that "meal plan" as closely as I should have. Eating salads three times a day is hardly satisfying. Friday, I broke the news to Elmo that I wasn't coming back this month. I got chewed out for damn 45 minutes! I knew I was gon' get cussed out but I ain't have no idea it would be that long. Yes, there's been progress. He and I just don't agree on shit and it's getting old. That's what happens when you put two Virgos together. I'm also tired of living up to someone else's expectations of me. It doesn't feel good.
My Ghetto Friend has been in rare form lately. Have you ever had a friend that you have to be in the mood to talk to or chill with? Well she's that friend. Usually, I don't have the patience to deal with her, simply because....she annoys me. She's one of those people that has to debate everything, even if it isn't a debatable point. Just to get her to STFU when she tries to provoke me, I just say "Oh." and let it be at that.
Why doesn't she know that her opening line makes me not want to call her at all? Being a loaner is much easier.« ... now bounce.