Life has taken an interesting turn, into corners and crevices I thought were well avoidable. Once so sure, so confident, I have turned into a hollow casing of my former self. Decisions are few, problems too many. Anxiety and depression have been come my new partners in crime.

I couldn't believe it. "Not me. Hmph. I don't need help." My own arrogance holds me captive in a misery I no longer wish to reside. Needy by many and few to rely on, I open my benefits package to determine my resources. I've been carrying the brochure around for weeks, afraid to call and too afraid to face myself. The episodes of the past two nights finally gave me the push I need to make the call.

"Thank you for calling the Employee Assistance Program. All of our counselors are busy at this time. Please hold the line, and your call will be answered in turn." Counselor. Aren't those people that, well, counsel people who have problems? Certainly I've dialed the wrong number. How can I, the quintessential black woman, who does all and knows all, need counseling? Flip and flop my stomach went as I was on hold wondering what I'm going to say when a human acutally picks up the phone.

A middle aged white woman picked up and began to take my info and went through her confidentiality spiel. When she asked me what the problem was, I became tongue tied and didn't know what to say. She was very patient and asked few questions and barely offerend an opinion--only an assesment. I appreciate that. The last thing I can handle at this time is another fuckin unwarrented opinion. That'll surely remove me from my happy place. Again.

Maybe it was that dream about my daddy that took me over the edge. He's been gone for 15 years and it's been several years since I've dreamed about him. It felt so good to have him around even for that brief moment. Unfortunately, he didn't get to discuss what I'm sure was the point of his visit. When he began to talk, he started to fade out, and hasn't come back since. Maybe I'll never know what Daddy wanted to say to me but I did get cussed out for not taking out the trash.

30.April.2005    11:42 AM     Commments: 6

6 comment(s) » add yours

Ghosts like to bullshit like that. He'll be back.

Did you tell the old white lady anything cool plan on going to some tower and shooting at random cawks (clearly the source of all our misery and pain)? That would be sooo kickass!

posted by Lisa | 04.30.05 01:12 PM


Cawks are definitely the source of my misery...particularly the ones I owe money to for bullshit. Two fingas (and I don't mean the peace sign).

I can empathize with what you're going through. Stay strong. :-)

posted by karsh | 04.30.05 02:30 PM


Kudos to you for taking the first step. I too call an EAP's counselor the other day. My fiance and I start our premarital counseling next week. Good luck to you. I hope you're feeling better soon.

posted by MsThing | 04.30.05 05:21 PM


Queensexy, you gonna make it. I'm glad you're getting through okay.

posted by ej | 05.01.05 03:37 PM


QS, can a bruh borrow $75?

posted by nOva | 05.04.05 04:49 PM


Hey gyrl.. I hope you are able to do whatever it takes to make it through this period.. Definately talk to somebody about it if it helps.. I'm so sincere..

Peace n blessings

posted by Pam - Reddy | 05.05.05 12:21 AM


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