Today was my first day back in a gym. It's kinda intimidating venturing in by my lonesome, armed with my "To Do" list. I struggled through 20 minutes of cardio, down from my usual hour. Getting out of shape is so easy. Unfortunately, getting in shape isn't quite as simple. I'm excited about the journey. Hopefully, I can maintain it.

When I came back from the gym, my CubeMate asked me where I'd been. I told her. This heffa asked me, "You went down there to look around?" Look. around. Noooo, I actually used it. She then informs me she's going tomorrow. Um...I didn't exactly invite her, but alright. I prefer to workout alone. No need for distractions. There's already enough with those guys in them lil shorts. She's the same chick that's been trynna sabatoge me when I first started this endeavor. I let her. I had to double back this week and start over. Women are sneaky that way; She just doesn't want me to be cuter than her. Too late! I am that bitch, mmmkay?

On my way to the Metro this morning, my cell phone rings. I hestitate for a minute not sure if i wanted to answer. I check the CID....damn if I aint talk him up. It's Elmo, bright and early. In a quarter of a second, I decide not to answer. Not today. Not right now. Why won't he just let go? I'll let it marinate for a day or two; I just don't have the mental energy to deal with him. That nigga always catch me at a weak moment. I'm trying to walk away from this as tactfully as possible. I appreciate his time, his nagging concern, his friendship, his love...but things will always be strange. He presses buttons I don't want pressed, says things I don't want to (but need to) hear. He's part of a time period in my life I have to leave behind.

I logged into class for the first time today with a renewed focus and sense of purpose. With the threat of being kicked out of school, I'm feeling the pressure to pass. I've never been so lazy academically before. Fact of the matter is, I have no interest in school. It's been over a decade since I've been interested in classroom learning. I feel that the most valuable learning comes from experience.

17.January.2006    06:55 PM     Commments: 1

I sit here, two weeks into the new year, attempting to focus on this weight issue yet again. Last week was supposed to be my first week back with my beloved Elmo, but I cancelled both sessions. He hasn't even called me back. I know he's pissed. When I called him around New Year's, I thought I was ready to work with him again. Just that quickly, I changed my mind. I'm ready to leave my past far behind me. That includes leaving him there too. The air will always be akward between he and I, especially after that comment the other trainer made about the baby not looking like Elmo. I was so embarassed.

While I'm ready to move forward, this means I'll be doing it alone. That's a scary, scary thing. I have to design my own workouts and meal plans, be objective about my own progress or lack thereof and address my depenancy on food. Addressing my dependancy on food will make me face the issues that cause me to eat. That too is a scary, scary thing, but a step toward progress.

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15.January.2006    09:58 PM     Commments: 0