I sit here, two weeks into the new year, attempting to focus on this weight issue yet again. Last week was supposed to be my first week back with my beloved Elmo, but I cancelled both sessions. He hasn't even called me back. I know he's pissed. When I called him around New Year's, I thought I was ready to work with him again. Just that quickly, I changed my mind. I'm ready to leave my past far behind me. That includes leaving him there too. The air will always be akward between he and I, especially after that comment the other trainer made about the baby not looking like Elmo. I was so embarassed.

While I'm ready to move forward, this means I'll be doing it alone. That's a scary, scary thing. I have to design my own workouts and meal plans, be objective about my own progress or lack thereof and address my depenancy on food. Addressing my dependancy on food will make me face the issues that cause me to eat. That too is a scary, scary thing, but a step toward progress.

I've been harboring a lot of anger about BD3. After our fight got physical last week, I never want him in my house again. It's definitely a hard situation; I stand by the belief that a child should have a relationship with their father. He held her and she cried like she was in pain because she doesn't know him; he hasn't been around enough. It hurt so badly to watch. I'm torn; for the cycle of abuse to end between him and myself, my daughter has to go without her father. I have to walk away with the piece of sanity I have left. Dealing with him has taught me so much about myself. That's about the only thing he was good for. Maybe that's what I needed.

Back at the starting block, it's time to pick up where I left off. The thing is...I never should have let him get me side tracked. I'm further behind than I should be or planned for and that's what really makes me angry. I don't hold anybody accountable for that but...me. I'm the only one responsible for my future and happiness. Now that I've accepted that he'll always be a loser, I have strengthened my focus on myself and my children. I still have goals that need to be achieved.

I started a new relationship not long ago. I've touched on the subject of the BF in previous posts. Things are moving slowly and that's okay by me. It's just that shit he pulled at Xmas...it's in the back of my mind for future reference. I'm trying to put that behind me as well. I enjoy myself when I'm with him; I just feel more cautious now. Things tend to become distorted when emotions are involved. I intend to let this unfold as is. If it should develop into something subtantial, so be it. But if not, no harm, no foul. At minimum, we should be able to learn something from one another. Hopefully, something positive. Just like BD3, the BF has been positioned in my life for a reason and I'm willing to accept the lesson and blessings I'm about to receive.


15.January.2006    09:58 PM     Commments: 0

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