After Training Day went off, I flipped through the channels to see what I could see. I stumbled across Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. As I watch each participant recount their personal struggles, I turn inward to examine my own.

I started off so well in my Fat Fight. It really takes a conscious effort to be successful at weight loss. Last week was a very good week; this week isn't going so well. While I'm disappointed, I am realigning myself with the task at hand.

As I was listening to Ms. Countess Vaughn discuss her painful divorce, I realized, I too am going through a divorce. No, I'm not married, nor am I certain that's the best lifestyle for me. I am divorcings...self.

There was a me I used to be not long ago. I didn't like who she was. You always have to take the good with the bad, but the bad was gettin on my nerves. For the new me to completey emerge, there are some parts of my past that I'll need to completely sever ties with. This will be messy. Some feelings will get hurt along the way. If I don't change the old shit about me, I'll continue to attract the same old bullshit. I don't want it anymore.

I'll have to...renege: take it back, throw it back, rewind it back and start again. You know how you know you aint posed to be doing something, but do it anyway because you think "it's gon' be aiite"? Not even listening to your instinct, you proceed. Then get fucked up. Then FEEL fucked up. Um...yeah. That's me. I got myself in, I'll get out. What's important is my happiness.

In other news, I've finally stopped lactating. That shit sucks. Yes, that's what they were made to do, but it's a hassle.

I like people watching. While I'm on the train, I like to look around and try to read the expressions of other passengers. You never know what another person is holding inside. Once, a lady had a tear roll from her eye. I couldn't help wonder what she was going through to cause her pain. I wonder how many other people have looked at me on the train and wondered the same thing: "Why is this lady crying?" If they only knew....

The past couple of days, I've been slippin on my people watching. Why? Cause...I got Tetris on my phone!!! You know, that Nintendo game that you gotta flip all the puzzle pieces around to make em fit each other. Oh. My. Gahd. I'm so in love. It's better than sex. Pffffft. Ain't like I'd know what sex feels like since I haven't had any in a month of Sundays. That's one tangent I don't wanna go off on.

My ex is back at it again, that bizarre one that IMed me from another screen name. When I signed into Yahoo!, I forgot to sign in as invisible and damn if it wasn't open season. I spoke and all, attempting to keep the convo on a superficial level, as that's the only way I can deal with him. He can't seem to understand, for the life of him, that I want absolutely nothing to do with him. People that live in the past really scare me. Sitting round wonderin bout what the future coulda been is a huge waste of time when he should be out scouting for a woman that's willing to put up with him. He's not a bad dude, he's actually nice and thoughtful. I won't recount our dealings here, since I've done that in a previous post. Yes, I'm too lazy to link it. It's time for me to move on to the next phase in life and it certainly doesn't include him. I moved on; why can't he?

One.

15.February.2006    09:19 PM    


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