I need to mate. Like yesterday.
I was layin back the other nite, thinkin bout who's up for the task (and worthy) of being my playmate. I started thinkin bout the top three most memorable lovers.
3. - Locs
Not sure where I stumbled across dude, but he's one of the first cats I met when I moved back to DC. He was tasty, no doubt. Very thorough with that tounge ring. Stocky and broad just like i like em. Wasn't much to look at in the face though. My eyes were closed half the time so that didn't matter.
Most Redeming Quality- cooking
This nigga could seriously throw down in the kitchen. I mean just cook up some shit! I'm sure that's where that extra 20 lbs came from in 2000. I blame him. Where is he now....not sure if I care.
2. - JSJ
I never woulda noticed him in class if it weren't for his loud ass obnoxious friend. When I used to do the classroom thing (I take online classes now), I always kept to myself. I'm not a snob, just shy. Nobody believes that though. He came up in the computer lab one day, trynna buy somebody's project cause he didn't do his. I smirked cause I knew he was lookin for me. I used to be a hustla back in the day. LOL. I catch his eye and he comes over...he gags on the price a lil, but hands over my loot. Who else could garauntee an A for the price he was gettin??
We quickly realized we were very similar, bein born under the same sun sign and all. He hated the governement. I was broke. All I can say is...great minds think alike and money started comin in. J gave the best head I've ever experienced. He knew it too. I'm laid back trynna enjoy it, but not too much. He broke me down. Gahdamn.
Most Redeeming Quality- his smarts
Dude was very intelligent. That's hot. He was very logical, methodical...he was on point. He really understood the world in ways I had yet to discover. He was about his business and I liked that. Where is he now...he's still ridin his bid. I can't wait for him to come home....
Hey, this brings us to Numero Uno....
1. - BD3
As much as it pains me to admit this, he's is an excellent lover. He's gentle, stong, adventurous, rough, loving and demanding at the same time. I discovered my sexual self with him. Unfortunately, he doesn't have much goin on upstairs. That nigga aint bright. At. All.
Most Redeming Quality- his walk.
A graceful swagger is best I can describe it. Stands tall, shoulders back, head up...I loved it. The walk of a confident man, it was. Little did I know at the time it was a facade for all that was fucked up in his life. Man, oh, man did I learn some shit dealing with him. What did I learn? He showed me exactly what I didn't want and who I don't want to be. Where is he now?? Unfortunatly, I have his child and I'll never be rid of him. Ever. Ever. Ever. That's a long damn time.
There's also a guy that's memorable for another reason. Oh my.
Dishonorable Mention goes to....
The Bus Driver!
This fellow could munch carpet with the best of em. I thought I was bout to have a damn seizure. I was afraid my damn eyes was gon' get stuck in the back of my head. Not cool.
Okay, we get down to the good part, he's bout to undress and all. I'm lookin for his man part. He's fully undressed and I'm still looking...shit was just not workin in his favor. I've seen a larger penis on an infant. That just wasn't fair. If someone else experienced that dude and came back and told me bout it, I damn sure wouldn't have believed it. It's just not acceptable for an adult male to have a penis that small. I think that God dude should have guidelines when he's passin out the appendage. A penis should be large enough to fit a standard size condom. Yes, when he put the condom on, there was a significant amount of space left. I was befuddled. I didn't know wtat the fuck to do. So you know what I did...yeah I hit the "it's getting late, gotta work in the morning, I think the baby's cryin" thing on him. Damn if i was gettin any where near that.« ... now bounce.
It's been rough lately. I knew I'd hit a rough patch after I had the baby; I just wasn't prepared for the duration or how rough it would be. I've been trynna piece my life back together after dealing with BD3. I didn't think it would be this difficult or take this long.
Today I called BD2 and told him to get on the next thing moving to get his son. I've had about all I can take of this boy. It's enough he doesn't want to behave in school, but when he puts his sister in danger because of his reckless behavior, something has to give. I can't allow that in my home. I'm glad he has another place he can go. We need the time apart.
I felt Fantasia in my soul that afternoon, on my way back from my first date (and last for that matter. I aint eein gon' go off on that tangent) with the BF. He put on some "girlie music" as he calls it. Of course it would have to be that song. Being seven months pregnant didn't help my emotional state. I huddled in the corner of my seat and cried. I don't know if he could tell and if he could, it prolly wouldn'ta mattered. I knew drastic changes were coming. I also knew there was nothing I could do about it. It frightened me. I had no idea where I was headed, but I knew where I didn't want to be.
As far as he and I are concerned...ah, what he and I forreal. Things haven't worked out as I'd initially anticipated. Can't front like I'm not disappointed, cause I am. Relationships of this kind have always been difficult for me. In recent years, I haven't found a man that embodies what I feel a man should be. I could be too ideal, but that's just the way it is.
My next steps are in God's hands. I'm just following his lead.
Holla.« ... now bounce.
Man, today started off rocky. My trip to Atlantic City was cancelled at the last minute. I was looking forward to a bus ride and being away from the kids to be (semi) alone with my thoughts. The challenge of beating the house gets my adrenaline pumpin sho nuff. Blackjack is my favorite casino game; it's so easy to play. I haven't bothered to learn any of the other games though. There's prolly something else I'd enjoy playin just as much. Slot machines aint one of em though. They suck. It hurt a lil to miss an opportunity to make some money. I'm in serious need right now. Gotta keep a roof over these heads, you know.
The total day wasn't a bust. Me and my Pohtna In Crime went to see Dave Chapelle's Block Party, which he promptly fell asleep on. I on the other hand loved it. All of my favorite artists on one stage was so overwhelming for me. I have no idea what rock I was hiding under to not know when the actual concert took place. If I were paying more attention, I definitely woulda been there. Dead Prez RIPPED that shit! Don't sleep on them niggas ya'll, forreal. Having Erykah Badu and Jill Scott on The Roots' "You Got Me" left me all warm and tingly inside and whatnot. I forgot myself for a minute and was partyin up in the theatre. I wasn't eein in the hood theatre at that. I wish I weren't so sleepy; I'd like to write a post about how this concert was good for hip-hop and blah, but, I'm not that deep. No, really, I aint.
Today I decided I can't allow myself to just...settle. I'm not pleased with where I am right now, professionally or otherwise. The ball's in my court to make changes. I have my highs and lows; I'm riding a high right now. I wish I felt this way all the time, like I can do anything. I've got a pretty good plan in my head. Now only to execute....
Rotation: Mary J. Blige, My LIfe
QS: i was up half the nite with the baby cause she got a cold
The truth is said in jest, no? Either way it stings, resembling the afterburn of 80 proof. Do I really need him to remind me of the daily stuggle and constant tomfoolery that is these niggas I'm chained to for the rest of my life? NIght after night I replay these scenarios in my head, trying to strategize my way out of this situation. For those that know me well already know my fear of failure and I'm afraid to admit that's where I feel I'm heading. Fast. Do I really need him to remind me these niggas aint shit, aint got shit, aint about shit and I'm assed out? Yeah, he struck a chord. A tender one I keep tucked deep inside a place where I allow no one to descend. That's one of the main reasons I've been apprehensive about delving into this dating thing any more than I already have. Often times, niggas ask more questions bout them dudes than they do about me. Once I asked a dude if he wanted their numbers, maybe they could run ball or some shit.
It's a part of my life I cant erase, retract or apologize for. It is what it is. I'm so sick with myself for perpetuating this cycle. At the end of the day, after the dinner is cooked, the kids are in bed and the bills are (semi) paid, I'm alone. I have to face myself and the broken home I've created. It's not a good feeling.
Would "contracting" with the BF help alleviate this issue? I can confidently say, "No, it wouldn't" The hustle and grind of bein a Baby Momma is nothing nice. My children and I deserve a comitted, loving man.
One.« ... now bounce.
I've been doing the "diet" thing for about 3 weeks now. It's going okay; my body is reshaping itself, which is cool. Working out is no big thing to me (anymore). Weight lifting is my favorite part.
The kids have taken a liking to working out with me as well. I've noticed the most change in Grand Diva, the oldest daughter. She likes to ask a lot of questions about what I do to lose weight. I then noticed she started taking salads for lunch. Coupled with Doritos but still a salad, no less. Now she's concerned about the food she eats because she wants to lose weight. At five feet tall and 107 lbs, she thinks she's fat. It hurts my heart so bad. At 9 years old she's alread adopted a negative self image. I have yet to figure out how to approach this subject with her. Weight has always been a difficult topic for me. I am worried about the kind of example I set for her being that I diet often.
In other news, BD2 done finally sent some money out here. Bout fuckin time. This is the first time in 7 years he's sent money. That one time his wife gave me a check 4 years ago certainly doesn't count. He'll send clothes, shoes or a coat ere now and again, but never has he put money in my hand. When he called to give me the Western Union control number first thing this morning, I thought he was bullshittin. I been goin back and forth with him for years bout child support. Something that is a necessity shouldn't feel like a blessing. I'm not gonna allow myself to get used to it though; I don't count on it being a regular occurance. I look at it as extra money.
My love life sucks so bad right now. I was whinin to my main man Ninja T bout it. I don't necessarily agree with all of his methods and opinions, but we always have a good debate. I remember when I used to be able to talk to the BF like that... [end wistful moment]. Now that we've gotten passed our akward moment, I wish I had more time to talk to NT. That's something I really miss having in my life. I could always debate with nOver, but we just end up harping and calling each other names. LOL. That's all we know, and frankly, it's rather amusing.« ... now bounce.
While enjoying my daily cocktail of raisins and peanuts ( I like to stay regular. Stop judging me.), I decide to read the ingredients on the raisin box, soley for my own amusement. The label read, "Ingredients: California Seedless Raisins."
Perplexed, I consult Leeser because last time I checked, raisins were made from grapes. How can an ingredient of a product be the actual product itself? Makes no sense to me, mane.
My pseudo diet is working. I call it pseudo cause one of my meals per day contains a "forbidden" food. This is a lot easier for me to follow than that strict ass depressing diet Elmo had me on. It's working though. My body is reshaping its self and it's fun to watch. My body is getting used to the couple of weight training dvds I have, so it's time to introduce new routines. I checked out that Fitness Made simple dude, John Baisedow. Programs seemed simple, yet interesting till I checked the price. $30.00 for ONE dvd. Iown think so.
My Ex is an idiot. I'm referring to that whack job that hit me up from another screen name pretending to be somebody else to get me to talk to him. UGH. Wish he'd go find a blow up doll and live happily ever after.
He asks me what I'm doin for the weekend. I tells him I'm trynna find a babysitter so I can go to the movies. He offers, for a fee, of course. I decline, of course. I aint leaving my kids with him! Yes, he's a nice guy. Yes, he has kids of his own; same age as mine. There is no way in hell I'm leavin my kids with this dude! Oh hayle nawl. I leave my kids with very few people. He aint one of em. Besides, my baby doesn't know him from a whole in the wall and I don't feel comfortable leaving my girls with a man.
I graciously decline his offer, telling him "Thanks, but no thanks." This nigga get all in his feelings tombout it was a mistake for him trynna be nice to me and it gets him no where. Aint like I done tole this nigga to shove a spiked bat up his ass, I just declined his offer. Misery loves company and I cant keep him occupied.« ... now bounce.