As I sit here thinkin bout takin a pee pee, I realize I haven't heard from RMiller since that night he called and cussed me out real good. I mean real good. I aint ne'er had no dude cuss me out like that before...and get away with it. It's been almost two weeks; why aint he over that yet? I want to talk to him but I aint callin. Why? Cause I aint done shit wrong! Nigga all in his feelings bout some bullshit. Man up, nigga. Man the fuck up. I tried to holla at this dude twice. Twice he turned me down. I aint foolin with him no mo. Now he has to wallow in the bed RMiller made. I puts my life on hold for no nigga. By no means am I punkin out on this shit. He better make up with me before we fast next month. Shit. Aint nothing worse than bein hongry and mad.
I'm looking forward to the fasting though. He fasts for the first three days of every month and asked me to join him. I balked at first; I like to eat. However, I need a spiritual cleansing, so I figure why not. I was looking into fasting anyway. It's good to have someone experienced to guide me through this. He and I have plans to attend Bible Study if we can ever agree on a church.
This level of bonding is...scary. My relationship with God is very personal to me; I never discuss it. It's not that I don't want anybody to know, it's just that you never know when you'll run into a closet Bible thumper. I don't have the patience to deal with them. Anyway, I wanted to be able to explore this level of bonding with a life partner. He's my partner fo life, just not in that way. Ah hell, ya'll know what I mean. By the time he realizes I'm the shit, It'll be too late. He bet not bust all up in my weddin talkin smack. I'd hate to call his Momma.
Wake up, the stakes up
~What Do We Do, Talib Kweli
Contrary to popular belief, I have a conscience. I don't like to hurt/abuse/plot against well intentioned people. The Fix It guy is one of those people. I met him at the Metro round xmas time; he was passing out his business card. He owns a home improvement business. I have a home that needs improving. Since his company provides every service I need, I decided to keep his card. Because he's a businessman and everybody's hust-a-lin up some loot, he came to my house the same day to evaluate my needs and give estimates. The very next day, he had a contractor at my house to make some repairs--on his dime. That kind of generosity makes me uneasy because nine times out of ten, men are looking for a return on their investment, if you know what I mean.
I kept my distance from this dude cause 1). I didn't want to muddle a business relationship and 2). I was involved at the time. At the time I saw him as an irritant who wasn't playing by my rules. I stopped working with him and set out to find other contractors.
The tide turned with the "BF" so I decided it would be aiite to give this dude a try. It's time for me to have a man in my life that can fill the role I belive a man should be able to handle in a relationship and family. He's definitely showing me he can handle that; I don't want for anything. While I believe I can, I don't go for big shit. I let him handle small things. Stuff I can handle on my own, I continue to do so. It's never been my style to use someone for my personal gain. It's wrong. When the karma comes back, it'll definitely be too late to make up some excuse.
I'm doing it anyway.
I'm being completely superficial and selfish. I'm not attracted to him at all and I find him annoying. Fourteen years my senior, our generation gap is apparent. He's fine with it, I'm not. I'm staying around because he provides. He's got it so bad for me. I haven't done anything special. Now he's expecting me to act like his woman and I'm not feeling it. I haven't figured out a way to get out of this. I'm not gonna pull some bitch made shit and just ignore him. That's not fair. I think his feelings have gotten involved too, which makes this trickier.
QS: i'm using him and i do kinda feel fucked up bout that
Ole stankee is right about that. I'm too much for the average nigga to deal with. I take pleasure in shuttin a nigga down, grillin him, makin him squirm. It's fun. I've dealt with so much bullshit, It's fun to point out. "Nigga you aint doin nuffin new!": I've talked to RMiller about this and his point was valid: I've been independant for so many years, I've become comfortabe with it. He's right. When a nigga comes along trynna switch the game up, I get tense and defensive. Then I withdraw. Having the ability to function in an adult relationship will be very challenging for me.
As far as the Fix It guy is concerned, I'll have to find a way out of that. I'm not emotionally available to this dude. I love someone else and I'm not sure if he knows it. Really, after all these years, he should. All I can do is wait and see...
One.« ... now bounce.
After I came back from the doc Friday morning, I decided it was too nice of a day (and I'm too cute) to be sittin in the house all day. I call RMiller to see what was poppin off that nite. I leave a message for him to get at me. As the day turns to evening, I still haven't heard from him. No big deal. I get a call from Mr. Fix It askin if I would mind joining him for dinner. He's rather annoying but I go anyway. Shit, it's free. I like free.
I call home to check on the kids. My Chocolate Baby informs me that RMiller called askin where I was cause he was on his way to pick me up. Again, no big deal to me since he aint confirm shit so I was free to do me. I hang up, enjoy my dinner and think nothing else of it.
I gets a call from a half irate RMiller demanding to know where I was Friday night, since I shoulda known that he was coming. How was I to know when he aint called or nuffin? He demanded (which is unlike him) to know who I was with, where I went, what I ate...he wanted to know it ALL. I really wasn't trynna tell him who I was with cause I aint feel like hearin that shit. I tried to change the subject but he wasn't havin it. Na'an bit. He continued to go on me for another ten minutes before he break out with an "I Love You." Whe he gotta be throwin that out there like that?
He needed to know he got some competition though. Now he all jealous n shit. *smiling* I can't help but pop ma colla . Tombout he was trynna suprise me. Suprise on you, muhfukka! Iown wait on niggas no more. I don't make allowances for niggas no more. Somewhere between BD3 and the "BF", I just feel like "whatever" bout that whole relationship thing. This is about me, my needs and my time. You get in where you fit in.
Initially, when I started my job, it was intended to be a part-time position. That was a fine set up for me being that the baby wasn't sleeping through the nite at that time and I didn't feel up to working full-time. Now my position has been expanded to include an additional day per week. I've also been told they are trying to develop a position for me so I can be added as a full-time employee. I'm excited and I'm not.
I'm not excited becasue:
I'm excited about the possibilities of this position. I'm not excited about working under a micro manager. Given the stressors I already have, I don't need her adding to them, which she does all the time. I need to get to a place where I don't internalize her psychosis. I'm not there yet.
While we were discussing my career goals, the topic of promotions came up. I was basically told to stay away from my cubemate cause having dealings with her could jeopardize my chances for promotion. I agree she does have a stank attitude when it comes to some things. I realized this a long time ago. As a result, I've distanced myself. When it comes to the workplace, she's a bitter person and I don't want any parts of that.
Our office is moving; the boss and I will be moving to another floor with the rest of our team. I wasn't looking forward to it at first, but I think it'll be good for me. I'll be able to focus on my work more and not be distracted by my cubemate. My boss irritates the shit outta me and I often want to punch her in the throat, but I can't let that deter me from persuing a career. I won't be under her reign forever.
My educational goals have also been adjusted. I'm sick of the school I've been attending all these years and their curriculum no longer meets my objectives. After I pay off this lil balance I have on my account, Imma transfer. I'm really interested in tech writing and have decided to change my major to Communications. I do a lot of writing in my current job and I'm good at it. I'm now receiving requests from other team members to assist with special projects. It's a good feeling since I rarely get positive reinforcement from my boss. She typically points out everything I do wrong. It affects my morale. My mindset is different now: No men, just kids work and school It's a lonely way to live but I gotta do what I need to do for me and mine. I can't trust anyone else with that task.
Recently, my confidence was shaken. Very briefly though. I don't need to be accepted by the "BF" or any other nigga; I like the woman I am . BD3 said something to me a couple of weeks ago that stung. I made some delightful comments about Tyrese. He wasn't trynna hear it. He reminded me of our daughter that was chillin the chair on the floor. He then tells me she's here cause he had to give me something to do cause I was goin too fast. How diabolical is that? A nigga straight sabotaged my shit...and had the balls to admit it. I'm still in disbelif. That goes to show that 1). When a mf aint got shit, he don't want you to have shit neither and 2). Women aren't the only ones settin folks up in that baby trap. This is the reason, more than ever, why I gotta stay on my grind.
One.« ... now bounce.
I'm talented at many things. Cooking, writing, talkin shit...but reading and driving? Not exactly my forte. That cell phone thing comes in handy so I can call folks when I get all turned around and confused. I didn't do too bad though. I do have to drive to work on Monday (to return the car to the rental place) and I'm a lil nervous bout that. Parking availability over there sucks.
I met Sister 2 at Walmart where she gave me the skinny on front end parking. That part is still a lil tricky and I'll make sure I park as far away from other cars as possible till i get real comfortable with it. I can parallel park with the best of em though! I aint need Momma to come outside this time. LOL! If I did, she couldn't anyway cause her stank behind is at home.
That God dude is watchin over us cause there were very few cars near me when I was on the highway. I did scare myself a few times. Once, I looked up and I was doin 70 in the slow lane...and I aint eein realize it! The other, I was in the wrong lane (middle lane) to get to Walmart so I had to cut across a couple other cars to get to the driveway. Hey, they either had the options of stopping or hitting me. Their call, but dammit, I was determined to make it to Walmart, and I did. I follwed Sisser 2 part of the way home. I get real confused with those exits. I have to learn to read the signs better.
I'm feeling more confident than I did when I first brought the truck home on Friday. I can't wait to get my own car. I don't want to waste too much money on renting. My dawg fo life, RMiller is posed to be givin me his car when he gets another. Just straight up givin it to me. I've never had a dude look out for me like that. But, um, he need to hurry up. Shit! That baby too heavy to be carrying around.
Speaking of RMiller, next Saturday is our bi-weekly date. LOL. He's decided that we need to go out twice a month. Cool with me. I like chillin with him.; It's real comfortable. I don't have to worry about navigating the "night cap" or anything. It's always real chill. He's planned our dates for the next month. How cute is that? He bedda find a cookout for us to go to on Memorial Day.« ... now bounce.
Today I had the brilliant idea to rent a car for the weekend. Being that I don't drive often, I was a nervous mess. My palms were sweating as I walked into the lobby of the car rental place. I went to Enterprise to take advantage of their 50% off weekend special. When I arrived, they didn't have a car in the class I reserved so they had to upgrade for free. Yay! I ended up with a Jeep Liberty. It's a cute lil thing, but it's not something I would purchase on my own. Too girly. I like sitting high up though.
When I pulled the car off the lot, I had no idea how to get home. I'm for serious! I had a general idea but I didn't want to cross the busy intersection so I took the long way home. I mean the loooong waaay. I followed the other cars till I got to a point I recognized. I went allaway through downtown DC and erething. 295 south was pretty elusive.
So, I'm trynna maintain my lane when some piss ass fucker in a Tahoe is like pushin me over. Damn if I aint run over the curb. It's only a curb, right? I managed to steer clear of pedestrians and small animals. That's what counts.
I can't park for shit. No, really, it's not one of my many talents. When I got home, I made my Momma come outside and help me park. I did a lot better on my own than I thought I would. BD3 is posed to come through tonite to help me get rid of my anxiety. I'm sure his idea of "helping" is layin dick, but we'll see.
I made the kids walk to KFC to get dinner. They were not pleased. "Why can't you drive us?!?!" Driving around the corner aint so bad, but I really just wanted to get them out the house. LOL. So! Stop judging me.
I'm trying to get into the habit of writing everyday, even if I aint got shit to say.
I had to tap my bank accounts the other day. (Yes, both of them actually had money in them. LOL) While the manager went in the back to get my stash, I noticed the teller was bout a billion months preggers. She looked miserable as hell and the bank was hot as fuck. That branch is always real warm though. I leans over and asks her if she's having a girl. She nods affirmiatively. I tell her I have lots of baby clothes to give away. She gives me her number. I call that heffa yesterday and her phone was cut off. Hmph. Thanks to my Ghetto Friend, I have 4 bags of baby clothes just chillin in my room cause she asked me to save em for her knocked up hood friends. Iown have no prollem with that. What I do have a prollem with is that she aint tell me she wasn't gon' come get em, cause sheown feel like it. I been holdin that shit in my room for months. Damn heffa.
Today I bought The Boy a suitcase so I can start packin his shit. Hopefully within the next two weeks, he'll be living with his dad. This boy is takin me throught it and iown wanna deal with it no more. His father can make himself useful and tend to him for a lil while. One down, two to go. Aint nobody gon' take this heffa baby of mine though. The other day she was trynna get up off the bed. Mind you she can't walk, crawl or scoot. So I asks her where she goin. This heffa tole me she was goin "out". Plain as day, yes she did. The Boy heard it too. If she had teeth, I'd knock em out.
I'm really trynna chill and stay focused with this piddly PT job I've got. The job itself is okay, it's the boss that's workin my nerves. Ms. Ditzy makes me want to scratch her eyes out with rusty nails. I'm convinced she asks me shit cause she thinks I won't know the answer. I've also noticed that when I ask her something she doesn't know the answer to, she talks this ole jibber gabber and skirts around the question. What. a. headache. I've been actively looking for a FT gig now. It's unfortunate how lazy I've become. I don't eein want to work now. This house aint gon' pay for itself so I gotta do something soon.« ... now bounce.
Saturday was such a beautiful, yet hectic day. I had to run all over DC-MD-VA before my date with RMiller . My Lil' Pookie had to get another round of shots, two in each leg. She was not a happy camper. At six months old, she's holdin it down at 18 lbs! Next, the boy had to get a haircut cause he was lookin right busted. I love his barber. I never have to tell him how I want it cut; he already knows. After six years of cuttin the same head, I'd question him if he didn't pick up on something.
I thought it would be fun to get a lil fresh for my date, eventhough it was just RMiller. Like I need an excuse to shop. LOL. I run up in LB right fast with the intention of gettin a cute girly t-shirt. My eye wanders over to the denim wall with that $19.99 luring me over. I mean it's just 20 bucks, right?
I'm pissed cause the have NO Bootcut Stretch. At. All. They got regla bootcut but, um, I need that stretchin action. They had them stupid white girl Flare Leg jeans. I check out Classic Cut since that appears to be my best option. Again, NOTHING in my size. They be slippin on they pimpin in the summer, figurin fat girls don't like jeans in the summer. Damn if we dont! They do have the next size smaller. I contemplate...I figure it should be aiite since they stretch.
I get home and try the jeans on....they pull up okay. But can they button? Let the choir say: "Haaaaaaaaayle nawwwl." I even laid down on the bed to get that extra flat belly. Not gon' happen, Cap'n. They could button by that point, but damn if I could breathe. I'll save thouse for a skinny day. My ass looked real good in em though.
Me n RMiller head out to Potomac Yard to see ATL. Of course we had to go see the hood movie on opening weekend. That's something I rarely do but we haven't seen each other in a while. He was actually on time to pick me up...I was still in the damn shower gettin my strawberry exfoliation on! He's ALWAYS late. For everything. How he gon' be on time when I'm bein all late? That aint cool.
We chillin, as always. I love his company. We usually don't talk much during the drive; it's a comfortable silence. While he's pushin bout 85, I'm laid back with the sunroof open...just chillin. Out of the blue he gon' ask, "What nigga you cheatin on?" I jump a bit cause he caught me off guard. Damn near blew my buzz. I looked him in the eye to see when he was gon' start laughin, but he wasn't playin. I turned the music down so I wouldn't miss the seriousness in his tone. He repeated himself. I'm in flux: flabbergasted yet smirking. I gather my thoughts and respond, "I'm not cheating on anybody, but if I were, what difference would it make to you?" Yeah, he changed the subject after that.
« ... now bounce.