Wake up, the stakes up
~What Do We Do, Talib Kweli
Contrary to popular belief, I have a conscience. I don't like to hurt/abuse/plot against well intentioned people. The Fix It guy is one of those people. I met him at the Metro round xmas time; he was passing out his business card. He owns a home improvement business. I have a home that needs improving. Since his company provides every service I need, I decided to keep his card. Because he's a businessman and everybody's hust-a-lin up some loot, he came to my house the same day to evaluate my needs and give estimates. The very next day, he had a contractor at my house to make some repairs--on his dime. That kind of generosity makes me uneasy because nine times out of ten, men are looking for a return on their investment, if you know what I mean.
I kept my distance from this dude cause 1). I didn't want to muddle a business relationship and 2). I was involved at the time. At the time I saw him as an irritant who wasn't playing by my rules. I stopped working with him and set out to find other contractors.
The tide turned with the "BF" so I decided it would be aiite to give this dude a try. It's time for me to have a man in my life that can fill the role I belive a man should be able to handle in a relationship and family. He's definitely showing me he can handle that; I don't want for anything. While I believe I can, I don't go for big shit. I let him handle small things. Stuff I can handle on my own, I continue to do so. It's never been my style to use someone for my personal gain. It's wrong. When the karma comes back, it'll definitely be too late to make up some excuse.
I'm doing it anyway.
I'm being completely superficial and selfish. I'm not attracted to him at all and I find him annoying. Fourteen years my senior, our generation gap is apparent. He's fine with it, I'm not. I'm staying around because he provides. He's got it so bad for me. I haven't done anything special. Now he's expecting me to act like his woman and I'm not feeling it. I haven't figured out a way to get out of this. I'm not gonna pull some bitch made shit and just ignore him. That's not fair. I think his feelings have gotten involved too, which makes this trickier.
QS: i'm using him and i do kinda feel fucked up bout that
Ole stankee is right about that. I'm too much for the average nigga to deal with. I take pleasure in shuttin a nigga down, grillin him, makin him squirm. It's fun. I've dealt with so much bullshit, It's fun to point out. "Nigga you aint doin nuffin new!": I've talked to RMiller about this and his point was valid: I've been independant for so many years, I've become comfortabe with it. He's right. When a nigga comes along trynna switch the game up, I get tense and defensive. Then I withdraw. Having the ability to function in an adult relationship will be very challenging for me.
As far as the Fix It guy is concerned, I'll have to find a way out of that. I'm not emotionally available to this dude. I love someone else and I'm not sure if he knows it. Really, after all these years, he should. All I can do is wait and see...
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