I found it! The last two years have been a creative slump for me. That energy was renewed yesterday. This is the best I've felt in years. I let somebody else's garbage bring me down. This somebody didn't even care a thing about me. Aint that boutta bitch???

nOva's gonna freak the layout to keep the creative juice spurting. I love my nOvie; I feed off his energy. /gushy moment.

It took the birth of my third child for me to obtain the clarity, stregnth and wisdom to move forward to the next phase in my life. Rev. Gigolo (aka BD2) made a statement to me a few years ago that rang truth (prolly the only piece of truth that's ever come out his mouth, YTD) which I remember as: "You must have missed the lesson the first time around. The same things will keep happening if you don't pay attention to the lesson you're supposed to recieve." Now he dropped that lil morsel of knowledge on me before he got all churchy with it. He was absolutely right. I chose to ignore what was in front of me.

Now that I"m on the cusp of spiritual cleansing, I'm more than certain I've been called on to help another woman who is currently in emotional turmoil. The dream I had about her wasn't coincidence; there's something I'm supposed to offer her. I know what it is, but I don't think she'll be receptive. While I am willing to pay my spiritual dues, I don't want to be anywhere near the situation. Not anymore than I have been. It hurts me as a mother and woman to watch her go through this. I find it difficult to stand by and not say anything. I've reached out to her, but she has yet to take my hand.

While it's my stance to leave the door open for her and let her walk in on her own, the Fix It Guy offered a more realistic view. I've been given a task. Whether or not I want to embark on this journey, it's my responsibility to complete this task. I'm very uncertain with how I should proceed. I'll pray over it and let The Spirit guide me to my next move.


28.September.2006    11:42 PM     Commments: 0

I need a healing for my soul
So give me a healing for my soul

I need a healing for my soul
So give me a healing for my soul

I need a healing

Sippin 'gnac. Watchin Madea. "If a person shows you who you really are, believe them." Thanks, Maya. Yeah, you best believe em. That statement has more truth than enough. Blind faith will fuck you up forreal. I can't put that kind of faith into any mortal. I cut the grass and the snakes showed themselves. There have been many signs over the years; I chose to ignore it mentally. My spirit was unsettled though. Six years is a long time to live with unrest. I have learned the spirit doesn't stop talking until you answer it. I equate it to rubbing a kitten's nose in the pile of poopie she left behind the sofa.

I'm putting a lot of things into perspective as I wipe poopie from my nose. I now understand how to interpret what The Spirit is saying. I know how to act on it. I can't be responsible for another mortal's soul. That's a cross they have to bear. I lay down my phone to cease text messaging. I walk to the threshold of my door and sprinkle some table salt. I open the door and sweep it out, down the stairs and into the street. I say a prayer and place a cross on the door with olive oil. This house is clear.

By no means am I a church lady, but I do have faith. I know what's immoral. I know evil when I smell it. I won't bend to someone else's will for their own personal pleasure. It's not in my nature. I do what's best for me and mine. Those of you on the fringes of my life are optional.

I'm experiencing love as it's intended to be: pure, gentle and unconditional. What I experienced in the past was not love. BD2, BD3, the "BF"...I didn't love those men. Those men never loved me, eventhough that's what I was told. When those words spilled forth from their lips, I knew it was fallacy. I was in love with the idea of being in love, something I sorely missed and wanted so badly. I too, have sputtered untimely "I love you's" knowing full well I didn't mean it.

I don't regret any of my experiences. They have shaped me into who I am today. I've never been this comfortable in my own skin before. Each of these transient people have served a purpose in my life. I appreciate them for that alone. It is not my place to question their virtuosity; that's between them and their God. I've had my times; I've done my shit. I'm not ashamed of anything I have done. I'm not afraid to face it.

"Yeah, I did that. And...?!?"

You don't have to trust me. (Yeah nigga, I heard what you said.) You don't have to love me. Shit, you don't even have to like me, but you will respect me. What I thought mattered before, matters not. Yes, I'm a bitch. Boss-ay! Cantankerous. Generous. Demanding. Loving. I don't apologize for any of it. I don't apologize for anything I've said in the past week or 24 hours. Those words came from my soul, and yes, I meant all of it. Well most of it. You know when I'm bullshittin, however, I can't promise you won't be on the receiving end of one of my tirades. When it hits me, it'll hit you sho' nuff.

"Do you still want him????" Naw baby, have at em. I know you do. I'd rather be alone than be with a manwhore. There's nothing there for me but and empty shell of what a man isn't. I detached a long time ago, well before I left him. With that first abortion, a piece of me died. It was my love for him.

Heading back to the gym; My pseudo church. I'm nervous, but I need it. My finger hoovers over Elmo's number. Not sure if I'm ready.

My 'gnac is done. I'm done yakkin.


27.September.2006    04:11 AM     Commments: 0

*blows dust off*

I aint dead. I'm sure Primey is perched on his stool plotting my untimely demise. Ya'll know I was out of a computer for two whole weeks?! My heart likened to have stopped. That iMac was old as hell anyway (98/99 model) but it held on for like a year or so. I cant complain too much. Shit, I'm surprised it lasted that long. Shout out to MizLise for hookin ya girl up with another machine.

My baby turned a whole year old this past Saturday, 9/16. We had a good time. She danced, laughed and played till she fell out. Literally. I'm so proud of my Lil Pookie. She's the bestest. Now that she's here, I cant imagine life without her. I can, however, imagine life without having to buy pampers. That shit is not where it's at.

I'm still on my grind with that job shit. It's been one hellified year. Motivation wanes periodically, along with my self confidence. I do need to get my ass in gear cause these bills dont pay themselves. Hmm...I really dont pay em either, but that's another story for another day.

I recently transferred schools from Strayer University to University of MD University College. I'm still not quite sure what a "University College" is, but I like the curriculum they offer for the Communications degree. I'm much happier at UMUC than I was at Strayer. The professors are actually interested in teaching and care whether or not I learn. I'm even putting in a lot more effort than I was at Strayer. I'll actuallly have to put in work to earn my degree from this place. Whoda thunk.

Quick recap:

  • My son is home from Vegas
  • I'm suing his father for custody
  • I'm getting child support from BD1
  • (let's knock on wood that continues)
  • I'm thinking about training with Elmo, again
  • I'm still dating the Fix It Guy
  • He's still cheap as hell
  • My sister's wedding is in Nov. and I dont wanna go

I need to read stuff and give you guys my overinflated opinion about it.

Random Thought of the Day: Why is Vibe magazine so fuckin whack????

19.September.2006    08:56 PM     Commments: 1