Today was my first day on the job. It wasn't exciting.
I left early to get a feel for the commute; I've never had to drive to work on a regular basis before. Besides, driving is the only way I can get there. Which kinda sucks. I arrived in a half hour which wasn't bad. Everyone keeps telling me I'm going against traffic and the commute shouldn't be too bad. Whatever. Driving first thing in the morning with mfs that haven't had their coffee or weed is a real pain in the ass.
When I arrived, nothing was prepared for me: My cube didn't have a name plate, my laptop wasn't ready, nobody really had any information...it just kinda sucked. They're a decent group of people so working with them shouldn't be too difficult. There's this one guy everybody's kinda leary of and I'm not sure why.
It's company policy that everybody take their laptops home at the end of the day. They can't be left sitting around, nor can they be locked up. That kinda sucks since I don't want to be responsible for the thing, but it's kinda good cause I can work from home if I need to.
It's the same work I've been doing so I shouldn't have a problem getting up and running. The problem is I have no interest in doing this kind of work anymore so I hope I can transition out of it in the future. Including me, two other people started today. They're expanding so quickly; I hope there's room for me to move into something else. I can't waste away as an admin.
The health care coverage is waaaaay more expensive than what I'm used to paying. I hope I can get a good rate from BC/BS. The company pays my premium, so I'd only need to get coverage for the kids.
I'm working with my old boss again so I'm glad for that. I'm actually excited. Now that I have work, I'm starting to receive offers I applied for way back when. That's so annoying! There were a couple of weeks where I had no prospects at all. That's what led to that minor depressive episode, but as most things, that too, has passed.
I had de ja vu u at my desk today. Though de ja vu is defined as "the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time", I know this was not an illusion. I saw the same exact scenario in a dream, though I wasn't sleeping. It's hard to describe those types of episodes. When I do, people tend to think i"m nuts anyway. That's okay. I know it's God's way of telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be at any given time in my life.
I wonder why I've been led to this place, what lesson I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I'm supposed to make more connections. Maybe it's career advancement. Maybe it's better health. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm looking forward to the journey laid out before me.
The kids' school is having a Vday dance on Thurs. The catch: they have to wear their "Sunday best". Damn. Since our Sunday best consists of old sweats and tank tops, I spent my Sunday afternoon in search for something appropriate to wear.
Being that my funds are limited till this new job starts tomorrow, I head to the thrift store to see what we could come up with. The best we could find was a pair of slacks for the boy. Off to JC Penny I went. They were posed to be having a good sale.
I found a shirt and tie set for the boy, but the price...eh, I could do without. I'm surprised he picked something so plain. I thought he'd want to get one of the cool colors, but it's hard to tell with him. He's strange like that. I was able to find a nice evening dress for the girl, but it's too big! The price was right ($10, original--$90) so I bought it with the intention of puttin a tuck here and a tuck there.
Though it's a black dress, it looks wonderful on her. I don't like to put her in dark clothes because of her skin tone; they typically don't do her much justice. She had her heart set on this dress so I make it work, somehow.
I get her in the dress tonight to figure out how Imma make it fit her. Mind you, I don't know how to sew. Nothing more than a stuff animal when I had to sew em by hand working at this place several years ago.
I'm very glad it only took a couple of stitches to tuck the straps and the sides. Any more than that I woulda been out of luck. I do whatever it takes so they can participate and enjoy different experiences. As a mom, that's important to me. Throughout my life, there have been very few things I've been able to pursue for the sake of enjoyment. Every endeavor had a concrete purpose to achieve an end result.
I want them to enjoy life and not have to worry about anything other than being children.
It's been an okay week for me. Creativity is flowing strong so I'm definitely more motivated to write than I have been the last several months.
The last conversation I had with my brother really has me thinking about a few things, most notably, my children's education. They're a very talented group. Ironically, none of them are good at the same thing. The comments on their report cards were subject to more scrutiny than usual. Some grades fluctuated. Some stayed the same. Nothing dropped and that's a good thing. While their report cards were good, they weren't remarkable and I'm on a mission to find out why and rectify it.
I guess I've passed on my apathy for school to my children: I attend because it's a necessary evil, not cause I actually like the shit. I understand the importance of a good education but I know I haven't stressed it enough to them, or at least I feel like I haven't. My oldest is going to Saturday school for her math. The boy needs help with his handwriting. That's not too difficult. The baby needs anger management. Not sure where she can get signed up for that.
Earlier this week, four older boys tried to rob my son, an 8 year old. He didn't have any money to give the guys and ran home. An older boy walkin through the neighborhood saw what happened and helped him. He offered to walk my son to school, but I declined, thanked him and drove him and sister to school. Although I didn't process it at the time, I was very sad and afraid today. Once I start my new job on Tuesday, I won't be able to give them a ride to school. I'll be working farther away from home as well. It's twice as long of a commute (40 mins) even though I'm driving. All of which makes me uncomfortable. I don't have anybody to leave them with or for them to walk to school with. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision taking this job. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to regress (get section 8, get a PT job) temporarily while they're so young instead of trying to press forward with my goals.
This is another situation where I get angry with myself for making such horrible decisions and choosing worthless men as their fathers.
nOva: where you get a brother from?
I called my brother today. We don't speak often but I think it's time we do. He and I are alike in many ways; however, I've noticed we're on opposite ends of the spectrum on quite a few. He's really intense where I am not. I'm pretty chill about mosts things. He's ignorant to the existence of my inner thug. Hell, erebody's got one.
Today he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. Good question. I'm not sure anymore. I go through a series of jobs I could really give less than a fuck about; it's just a means to an end. I've studied computers for the last several years, but even that isn't fun anymore. I changed majors to Communications, which is interesting, although I have no idea when I'm returning to class. ($$ is a mutha) I do know that I will do some type of professional writing when I graduate. I'm just not sure what direction I'm heading. As I continued to vocalize my confusion, I started gettin on my own damn nerves. Why don't I know? I usually have an etched out plan for everything I do, but for this, I have nothing set in stone. Everything is fluid: I've allowed the current to shift me to my next destination.
Though I hate to admit it, I'm still sorting through the murk of confusion I awakened into two years ago. "I'm beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb..." I've gone through a lot of changes, of which I can't say all were productive. But I'm allowing myself the time I need to stretch and grow, something many of us as young, single Black mothers neglect in day-to-day life.
But back to my brother.
He's read most of QS.net and digs my writing style. He suggests I publish this collection of ramblings. Inwardly I laugh. Who wants to read this shit? He asked me if I knew how many hits I get on this site, which I don't. I never cared much. While I've had readers in the past, I don't base my content on what other people want to read. Rocka's old tagline says it best: "An online account of my offline life." That's all I have to offer. However, I do hope that whoever reads this is able to learn something useful from my life and apply it to their own.
Who knows, maybe I will publish something. I have nothing to lose.
« ... now bounce.