nOva: where you get a brother from?
QS: my dad
nOva: gotcha
QS: i think he was on layaway or sumfin

I called my brother today. We don't speak often but I think it's time we do. He and I are alike in many ways; however, I've noticed we're on opposite ends of the spectrum on quite a few. He's really intense where I am not. I'm pretty chill about mosts things. He's ignorant to the existence of my inner thug. Hell, erebody's got one.

Today he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. Good question. I'm not sure anymore. I go through a series of jobs I could really give less than a fuck about; it's just a means to an end. I've studied computers for the last several years, but even that isn't fun anymore. I changed majors to Communications, which is interesting, although I have no idea when I'm returning to class. ($$ is a mutha) I do know that I will do some type of professional writing when I graduate. I'm just not sure what direction I'm heading. As I continued to vocalize my confusion, I started gettin on my own damn nerves. Why don't I know? I usually have an etched out plan for everything I do, but for this, I have nothing set in stone. Everything is fluid: I've allowed the current to shift me to my next destination.

Though I hate to admit it, I'm still sorting through the murk of confusion I awakened into two years ago. "I'm beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb..." I've gone through a lot of changes, of which I can't say all were productive. But I'm allowing myself the time I need to stretch and grow, something many of us as young, single Black mothers neglect in day-to-day life.

But back to my brother.

He's read most of and digs my writing style. He suggests I publish this collection of ramblings. Inwardly I laugh. Who wants to read this shit? He asked me if I knew how many hits I get on this site, which I don't. I never cared much. While I've had readers in the past, I don't base my content on what other people want to read. Rocka's old tagline says it best: "An online account of my offline life." That's all I have to offer. However, I do hope that whoever reads this is able to learn something useful from my life and apply it to their own.

Who knows, maybe I will publish something. I have nothing to lose.

03.February.2008    10:16 PM     Commments: 0

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