Envy is the cousin of jealousy birthed from the mother of low self esteem

Kia Ray v 30.0

It's August 1st which means my 30th birthday is in 25 days and counting. I'm excited! I can't wait to leave my 20s behind and move into my 30s. I expect to be taken seriously as a mother and adult which is something I found to be elusive in my 20s.

Society depicts your 20s as some funfilled jaunt full of learning experiences which shape you into a productive member of society. Um, sure they do. Man, my 20s were hellacious. Mostly my fault and some...not so much. I've had a variety of experiences which I can't say were all good. Not even half were good. Now that I have more experience and guidance I expect situations in my 30s to go much smoother. Am I too optimistic? Who knows?

I my 30s I will....

pray

finish my undergrad & grad degrees

go to as many concerts as I see fit

travel

write a book

become sterile

send send two kids to college

relocate out of state

start a book club

purchase investment property

find my niche in technology

lose 65lbs

]]> In my 30s I will not continute to...

invest in relationships that aren't beneficial to my wellbeing

put others needs before my own

be held hostage by fear

entertain the foolishness of others

alter the essence of me to become palatable to others

take on other people's problems as my own

use credit unwisely

Where should I begin?

Mucha Nothin

The DC area is under a tornado watch and I hope it passes over soon. The power flickered so I turned the tv off hoping to avoid a power surge frying my damn tv. Which is most unfortunate; there's nothing else to keep this chile occupied while I'm trying to decompress. My mind is every where today and I'm having a hard time getting it together.

I've made the last payment on my furniture yesterday and it will be delivered in a couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to it. I miss having a comfortable living space. These kids tear up more than their fair share; so much so, I can't stand having anybody here.

I'm also looking to add live greenery to the decor. I've never tried to grow anything other than humans. This will be a new experience for me. The bright side? There are fewer consequences for killing plants under your care than there are for the same regarding humans.

Fitted

It's only mid-July but the season is definitely about to change. I eyeball my closet and realize there's na'an piece of fall clothing in my new size. In fact, I have to buy an entire fall/winter wardrobe. The thought saddened me. I aint got stacks like that.

I felt much better after pillaging my friends closets. I'm not starting from the ground up anymore but I still have a long way to go. We did a bit of shopping after dinner and I absolutely fell in love with Charming Charlie. It's an adorable store where I have the potential to spend way too much money. It's like the entire store was made just for me.

While browsing, I saw a dress in coral which is one of my new favorite colors. I pick it up and hold it up to the light, not really sure what I'd do with it. I thought it could be a tunic or somesuch, so I tried it on with my jeans.

I liked it. It looked very pretty and I already have acessories to match it. The $15 sale price sure helped. My friend came in the dressing room and was like "umm...you should prolly take off your jeans." Hmmm, novel idea. I give it a try and my heart almost stopped at what I saw: the dress actually fit. I was actually wearing a dress from a store which doesn't place additional numerals in front of the sizing system.

I panicked.

I did the fingertip test to see how long the dress was (or wasn't) and it passed. I turned to view myself from a few angles and all I saw was micro mini. Poor sales clerk; I know she thought I was insane, writhing about in the mirror. "Normal" size clothes are beyond my comprehension. My friend told me to "get over it" cause she's just sympathetic like that.

I have to learn to look at me as I am and not what I used to be.

Manhood

I've learned to adapt to the dual mother/father role I've had to fulfil since the birth of my oldest child. This process was difficult to mitigate in conjunction with my own growing pains. How am I supposed to learn to be a woman and a man? What a confusing and painful time period in my life and I can't say it's become any easier 15 years later.

I'm not intrinsically male nor do I have the desire to be such. I do, however, have basic character fundemantals that surpasses what many natural born males have to offer. This saddens me. I shouldn't have to be a man for a man and this abnormality shouldn't be the expectation. Until I find a man who meets my standards of manhood...I guess I should become comfortable with spinstserhood.

Solo Dolo

Maybe I'm more affected by my upcoming 30th bday than I thought. It shouldn't be a big deal; it's just another year older, but really, it's more than that. It's a loving farewell to my 20s and excitement about what's in store during this next decade of my life.

I'm in a relatively good place: I'm exporing my spirituatlity. I'm learning how to capitalize on my strengths and strengthen my weaknesses. I'm much more comfortable with me than I've ever been.

But I'm still single.

Summer is coming and I have no partner to share my happy or newness with. I just came out of a four year relationship that I have absolutely no regrets about not rekindling. I need a partner more suitable to my needs and temperament, and that's proven elusive in this area. The one guy I thought was an option turned out to be a waste of time and the long distance dude....I don't see that working out either. Maybe it's best I'm on my own.

I dont fret over being single, nor am I afraid to be alone, but not unlike any other warm-blooded human...I get lonely. I understand I have to be patient and wait until the right guy comes along. I don't mind. I'm not interested in "Mr. Right Now". I don't have the time to waste.

I Wonder

I wonder...
how they'd react if they knew how I really felt; what really goes through my mind when I look at them.

I wonder...
how it would affect their behavior and self perception.

I wonder...
one day if they'd ever take heed to what I've tried to instill in them; the preparation I'm trying to give them. Preparation for life.

I wonder...
if they ever considered what life would be like without me.

Your Loss

I've been avoiding him over a year. A sweet guy with a big heart, but he's not for me. He had a chance and passed me by for someone more in his gutter while I kept it moving to ascend. Hindsight is 20/20 but you can't rewind past mistakes. If you can't meet me where I stand...you can't meet me at all.

I met up with him yesterday; I knew I would at some point. He met me at the door and I felt..nothing. All the reasons why I didn't want to have anything to do with him were still applicable: the hair, the dark smokers lips, the lack of intelligent conversation, the air of general downtroddenness... I can do without.

I'm glad his life is back in order. He just can't be part of mine.

Hug Me

Today has been one of those days: not necessarily a bad day but tough in its own right.

For the past month I've been pulled in several directions mentally and emotionally. Again, not necessarily a bad thing...it is what it is. Tired of being yanked on, I'm pulling back to keep some of me for...me. I don't have the emotional or spiritual endurance to be sucked into other people's shit. Oh, and how they love to sling shit.

I'm in a different space; I hesitate to say a new space because I don't have a sense of newness...just different. I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of all the people and situations that drain me. I'm letting go of people and situations which are not beneficial to my spiritual and emotional wellbeing. I'm letting go and falling into me.

I believe this selfishness is necessary sometimes. I can't help anybody else if I'm not in good condition. Hell, I can't help MYSELF if I'm not in good condition.

Letting go feels good. I still very much love some of the people I let go. Now when I say "let go", I don't mean they've been expunged from my life. I mean I'm no longer emotionally connected to their personal or professional success. I wish them no misfortune, of course. I just won't allow anyone to emotionally sponge off me anymore. I won't entertain emails or situations of foolishness. I've come to realize help and support are not required...they just want to bitch. I can't let that in my spirit.

It Takes a Village

When I moved to this Deanwood neighborhood 7 years ago, there weren't may children to play with. As the kids became acclimated with the school and neighbors, kids came from every where. In typical fashion, I haven't agreed with some of their friendships and made significant effort to sever them. Some kids carry a substantial burden with them, having been exposed to situations I'd be unsure how to handle even as an adult.

My son has a motley crew of colorful friends: the big headed mulatto, the ever present snotty nose, the really pretty smart girl and the thug in training. Interactions with these children have mostly been pleasant though I know a couple of em are always up to something.

]]> Snotty Nose has always made me uneasy. He's been friends with my son for about a year or so. He doesn't strike me as a bad child, just...sad. He walks with his head down (which doesn't help with a runny nose!) and I always seem him by himself. He doesn't smile often. He comes outside very early and has a tendency to stay out late. He's never disrectful but I've always been under the impression he's running from something.

Fast forward to this evening.

My son came home late. Of course I asked him where he was. He told me. I went into some "be home on time, can't stay out late, you're punished" speech and sent him to do chores while I finished cooking dinner. About 15 minutes later Snotty Nose knocked on the door to speak to my son. Finding that strange, I told him to send this child home. Apparently, he's late going home...and he's afraid to return.

This child has been lingering around my house like an alley cat for the past three hours. I've called his parents to let them know where he is. I even tried to put him on the phone with this father. He ran down the alley instead.

When he was discovered hiding under the balcony, the kids brought him inside. I spoke to him to ask why he won't go home. Shifting from left to right, not making eye contact, he states "I don't want to get a whoopin." My insticnt was to tell him "Then stop doin shit to get whooped.", but somehow it just didn't seem appropriate. The sadness in his eyes said enough for me.

This child is genuinely afraid to go home and I really dont know what to do about this. I told him he has to go home eventually; he might as well get it over with. What I'm sending him home to is what I'm most concerned about.

I've decided to write a letter to his teacher (who is also my son's teacher) asking for her and the school's assistance to help this family. Something isn't right in that household. I'm hoping the school has the resources to help him with the secret he's obviously hiding.

Success is What You Make It

My boss is a cool guy. He's pretty low maintenence and doesn't bug me much. He has a good sense of humor and can make fun of himself. What I like most about him is that he's fair and reasonable. Having found someone with whom I have such good synergy with makes me want to cling to it like it's the last thing on Earth, but I'm convinced doing so will impede my progress.

]]> I've been an Administrative Assistant for about eight years with five of those years at the executive level. I don't have major beef with the work I do; I just know my capabilities exceed the position. My boss and I have discussed this and he's very supportive. For that I am thankful. I'm also uneasy. Soon I'll be stepping into the unknown with traces of familiar. I'm thirsty for challenges and upward mobility though I'm at odds with how much responsiblity I'm willing to assume.

I have a full life trying to encourge these kids, explore their interests and develop their natural talents so they can have a full future. By focusing on my education and career, the focus may shift away from the aforementioned objectives. I can't be everything to everybody all at the same time. Not even to myself. The sacrifice makes me nervous.

But I'm excited! I'm excited to shed the admin skin and begin my ascent into higher positions with better salaries. There's so much to prepare for; I need to make sure I have the skills needed to take me to the next level. I have a lot of studying to do without a strong plan for accomplishment. It's not reasonable to expect to be able to cram everything at once, but I gotta do what I need to do to make it. Where I am today isn't indicitive to where I'll be tomorrow.

Saving Pays

I haven't always been in the best finiancial situation, but I make the best with what I have. Given the current state of the economy, most people would say I'm doing just fine. I really can't complain.

On New Year's Eve I made a promise to myself that I would adopt better financial habits. I pulled my credit report two weeks before Xmas and was very disappointed by what I saw. From that moment I subscribed to finance blogs including the financial newsletter from the Washington Post.

As I was reading through the material, I realized I knew most of what I needed to do because, well, it seemed like smart things to do. The not so smart part was not putting these tools to use. After I weeded through the info to determined what applied to me, I opened a savings account. Though I would save money periodically, it was housed in a checking account and easily accessible which is a bad idea for right now. I opened an account with ING Direct which had the best interest rate at the time. It's linked to one of my checking accounts, I can still do a money transfer, but I can't walk up to the ATM and take money out, which helps me maintain a balance. If I should encounter a situation, I can just transfer money and wait a couple of days.. Not really a big deal.

To also cover non-routine expenses, I now keep a cushion in my main checking account instead of spending down to my last dollar. It's hard not to sometimes, but it keeps me covered, especially when I have to wait for a transfer from my savings account.

I said all of this to bring me to my fuckery filled afternoon.

]]> I chilled most of the morning and sorted dirty laundry. Let me tell you, kids are nasty as hell. I have some of the grossest laundry I've ever experienced. I don't even want to wash this shit. I think I should have named my son Pig Pen. The baby doesn't pretty good but again, she's only three, soon to be four.

At any rate, I load up the car with these mega bags of laundry...to find out the damn car wouldn't start. Talk about mad as hell! I didn't trip; I called my insurance compay since roadside assistance is included in my policy. I called the after hours hotline and the rep was barely any help! I told her I wanted a company that could replace my car battery onsite, meaning, I dont want my shit towed, send me somebody that can fix this shit at my front door.

She did an Internet search, gave me three numbers to call and sent me on my way. I was astounded! Isn't she supposed to SEND SOMEBODY FOR ME? Like, do the leg work her damn self. I called one number and told the guy what I wanted...and he laughed at me. Pissed, I thanked him and hung up the phone, while he was still talking, no less. He shoulda been more personable! The second number I called didn't even service my area. I didn't even bother with the third number. I'd already wasted enough time. So I got online and did MY OWN damn Google search and found 495 Towing , a company offering EXACTLY what I need. Isn't this what the damn roadside assistance hotline was supposed to do?

Either way, I'm glad it's on its way to being resolved. I'm also I'm glad I have enough in my savings account to cover the pricey, but worth it fee.

Saving really pays.

Oh Really?

I subscribe to various financial websites that help me figure out what I want to do with my money. I'm on a personal finance blog and today's topic is "Small Luxuries" where we are to discuss which luxury are we able to maintain in this declining economy. One of the commenters (I hesitate to say she's a cawk stay at home mom, but I digress) left this little nugget in her comment:

I love Food Therapy (and I completely believe this is why so many poor people are over weight).

*blinks*

Is she serious? Surely I'm not the only one that sees irony in her statement. I'm all about expressing opinions and all, but let's look at this a little further.

Poor people are just that--poor. It's not likely they have enough money to gorge themselves with enough food to become overweight simply because....

...they don't have any damn money.

When your cash is low healthy options are few. It's cheaper to buy 10 for $10 Pasta Roni than it is to purchase a pould of chicken breast that may not feed your whole family. I'm won't even go off about the rotten (literally) produce offered in grocery stores that disservice the low income communities they proudly "serve". Go to another store? Not likely if you don't have your own transportation or cab fare.

So why are poor people overweight? Not because they're lovin themselves down with food; however because in 2008, they still receive the scraps from massa's table, that's why.

That's white privilege for you, wallowing in the stench of ignorance.

Early Morning

This is the second time I woke up this morning to go to the bathroom. I can't go back to sleep. I have enough quiet at 4am to haer myself think--think about things I can't discuss with anybody. Sometimes it's disturbing, this aloneness with my thoughts. There's no escape from what I really think or what I really feel. Sometimes honesty is overwhelming.

I hope the Lord can forgive me for what's on my mind and what I'm ready to do.

Sept. 30, 2008

A lot of randomocity has occured lately. (LOL! i said that like it's actually a word...or is it?) I'll just give a quick rundown of what's been on my mind lately.

Friends
The amount of fingers on one hand will account for the number of true friends I have...with change left over. Sometimes I get these spurts where I want to make friends...then I'm over it. Quick. It's always been my position to keep to myself cause people have a tendency to disappoint me. They place expectations upon me that they either can't or don't want to maintain on their end and I'm not interested in a one-sided friendship. Reciprocity much?

Apparently, I said something to a friend last week that she didn't like. It certainly wasn't my intention to offend her, but she said it herself: Truth hurts." So if it's the truth...why are you mad at me for sayin it? What gives? Now I can see if I had lied, which I hadn't. But to have an mf mad at me for tellin the truth? I can't relate. So to my knowledge, we aren't friends anymore.

Work
Same shit, different toilet. Overworked and moderatly paid, but I think I'm getting caught up with the work part. The pay part--not so much. I'm working on changing that as well.

Today the CFO sent an all employee email and labled it with high importance. I open the email to find that his daughter was coming in the office to sell Girl Scout cookies. TF? Important to whom? Talk about corporate abuse. Exit stage left.

I absolutely hate it when he brings that chile to work. Everybody fawns over this lil blonde haired chile like she's special. Secondly, the recept acts like a damn nanny to her. She then expects anyone who sits at the reception desk to be a wet nurse. I refuse. I don't go to work to play with kids (it's all subjective, really) nor am I contracted to babysit. That aint happening. I'm not rude to the chile; I'll smile and say hello. Anything more than that is extra, and I'm not putting for the extra effort.

Education
I've decided to stop fooling around and finish my degree. I'm signed up for two courses this semester. Unfortunately, I hae to pay my tuition out of pocket but my job will reimburse. I wish they offered tuition assistance instead of tuition reimbursement. This shit is hurting my pockets but I'll do whatever I need to so I don't have to work another boring admin job.

When I cover the reception desk I make a point to bring my textbook along to get in a lil study time. I can barely get past the first page without fiddlem mfs stopping to ask me what I'm reading, as if they've never seen anyone read a book before. They don't know how to respond after I tell them what it's about, then they slink away. It's hilarious! I'm reading From Slavery to Freedom for my African American Studies course. The story is unbelievable. I'm really enjoying it.

9/6/08

My Bloggerversay has come and gone and I'm pretty indifferent to it. I became disenchanted with blogging a couple of years ago; it just wasn't fun anymore. In my opinion, there are way too many useless gossip and niche blogs. You really can have too much of a good (or not so good) thing. Good personal blogs are hard to come by. I'd rather spend my afternoon reading about an average person's experiences and opinions than read the latest Beyonce or Paris Hilton gossip. Besides, them bitches bore me to death.

I have very little to report as far as new happenings is concerned, though I'll touch on a few things.

]]> Kids
I've come to the realization that I don't like my kids half the time. I try very hard to understand these lil black people, but I think I might be wasting precious brain cells. I give all my energy to my children, trying to teach them the right things and how to get the best out of life. And oh, to hopefully avoid my fuck ups. You think they appreciate it? Hell and no! Since I'm pretty much over them, I've started spending my hard earned money on myself. Long as they have the basics, I really don't give a damn. Momma needs some new Shox!

Education
Again, here's where I've fucked up. I didn't do what I was supposed to do, now I'm stuck. I can't get Financial Aid right now and I have to pay for this semester myself. It's going to be difficult but I'm working it out. I always have a plan. I just hope this shit works. LOL. I'm a Communications major at UMUC, transferred from a Networking major at Strayer University. Networking became boring to me and I found that I'm actually better at explaining it to people who don't understand than trying to discuss it with people (fuckin Indians and white men) who think they know everything. I don't give a fuck what anybody says; it's still a racist and sexist field. This semester I'm taking African American studies, Comm Theory and a tech ethics course. I'm very excited about the AA studies. I received my book on Thursday and I've been reading it off and on since. I've logged into the course and it seems like it will be simple and I don't have ANY papers to write. I do have on project but I think it might be fun. I've taken Comm Theory once, and that's all I'll say about that. I hope this interwebs ethics course teaches me how to be better at doin bad stuff.

The other reason I'm pressed to get my degree is the fact that I'm near the end of the salary range for my position and I'm bored. Oh, and my boss aint gonna promote me until I get a degeree.

Job
My job is aiite. It's admin shit so it's whatever. It's not like it's interesting. I have fun with my boss; he's a good guy to work for. I have a couple of people I like to converse with. The IT Guy is my favorite. Of course he's a gay. A zesty gay. That's how I like em. I'll never find a straight man hangin with all these queers. Least he aint fraid to spend money. Oh, and he cooks a too. He may only know how to fix a couple things, but he does a good job with em . He makes me proud. LOL

Dating
Next.

Music
I don't bother.

Friendships
Niggas come and go. I don't have a lot of friends an I'm not bothered by it. Smaller squad = less confusion.

That's all for now.

One.