Though I have no real interest in communicating with him, I don't mind the idle chit chat. What I do mind is the random out pour of emotion. He really needs to get that in check. He begins to tell me that he still has feelings for me and blah blah. As I'm reading that mess, I'm trying to decide whether or not it would be appropriate to ask "What are you telling me for?", though I thought it very loudly. He then tells me that I hurt him "sooooooo bad". Um, nigga and?

Lest not forget about his cold treatment and rejection, but I'm still supposed to hold a soft spot for him after six years? How about no? I told him I didn't hurt him, that he hurt himself. I can't stand when niggas try to play the victim and not want to be held accountable for their actions when shit dont go the way they want it to.

That shit is real stale.

I'm mindin my business on the parkway. Some asshole is just sitting there when she should be moving. License plate read: "Glamrus". Make: VW Beetle. I was too. through. with her. A Beetle? Glamorous? Are you serious? You've got to be shittin me.

Today, I'm on the way home, just mindin my business. I look over to the left...dude in the car next to me has jheri curl caps on his headrests! I damn near run over the curb trynna call somebody to report the shit! Is that legal? That's the equivalent to the plastic covering Auntie has on her "good furniture". Who does that. Make: Toyota Corolla.

Somebody call God and tell him come get his kids. They play too much.

I left early to get a feel for the commute; I've never had to drive to work on a regular basis before. Besides, driving is the only way I can get there. Which kinda sucks. I arrived in a half hour which wasn't bad. Everyone keeps telling me I'm going against traffic and the commute shouldn't be too bad. Whatever. Driving first thing in the morning with mfs that haven't had their coffee or weed is a real pain in the ass.

When I arrived, nothing was prepared for me: My cube didn't have a name plate, my laptop wasn't ready, nobody really had any information...it just kinda sucked. They're a decent group of people so working with them shouldn't be too difficult. There's this one guy everybody's kinda leary of and I'm not sure why.

It's company policy that everybody take their laptops home at the end of the day. They can't be left sitting around, nor can they be locked up. That kinda sucks since I don't want to be responsible for the thing, but it's kinda good cause I can work from home if I need to.

It's the same work I've been doing so I shouldn't have a problem getting up and running. The problem is I have no interest in doing this kind of work anymore so I hope I can transition out of it in the future. Including me, two other people started today. They're expanding so quickly; I hope there's room for me to move into something else. I can't waste away as an admin.

The health care coverage is waaaaay more expensive than what I'm used to paying. I hope I can get a good rate from BC/BS. The company pays my premium, so I'd only need to get coverage for the kids.

I'm working with my old boss again so I'm glad for that. I'm actually excited. Now that I have work, I'm starting to receive offers I applied for way back when. That's so annoying! There were a couple of weeks where I had no prospects at all. That's what led to that minor depressive episode, but as most things, that too, has passed.

I had de ja vu u at my desk today. Though de ja vu is defined as "the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time", I know this was not an illusion. I saw the same exact scenario in a dream, though I wasn't sleeping. It's hard to describe those types of episodes. When I do, people tend to think i"m nuts anyway. That's okay. I know it's God's way of telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be at any given time in my life.

I wonder why I've been led to this place, what lesson I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I'm supposed to make more connections. Maybe it's career advancement. Maybe it's better health. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm looking forward to the journey laid out before me.

Being that my funds are limited till this new job starts tomorrow, I head to the thrift store to see what we could come up with. The best we could find was a pair of slacks for the boy. Off to JC Penny I went. They were posed to be having a good sale.

I found a shirt and tie set for the boy, but the price...eh, I could do without. I'm surprised he picked something so plain. I thought he'd want to get one of the cool colors, but it's hard to tell with him. He's strange like that. I was able to find a nice evening dress for the girl, but it's too big! The price was right ($10, original--$90) so I bought it with the intention of puttin a tuck here and a tuck there.

Though it's a black dress, it looks wonderful on her. I don't like to put her in dark clothes because of her skin tone; they typically don't do her much justice. She had her heart set on this dress so I make it work, somehow.

I get her in the dress tonight to figure out how Imma make it fit her. Mind you, I don't know how to sew. Nothing more than a stuff animal when I had to sew em by hand working at this place several years ago.

I'm very glad it only took a couple of stitches to tuck the straps and the sides. Any more than that I woulda been out of luck. I do whatever it takes so they can participate and enjoy different experiences. As a mom, that's important to me. Throughout my life, there have been very few things I've been able to pursue for the sake of enjoyment. Every endeavor had a concrete purpose to achieve an end result.

I want them to enjoy life and not have to worry about anything other than being children.

The last conversation I had with my brother really has me thinking about a few things, most notably, my children's education. They're a very talented group. Ironically, none of them are good at the same thing. The comments on their report cards were subject to more scrutiny than usual. Some grades fluctuated. Some stayed the same. Nothing dropped and that's a good thing. While their report cards were good, they weren't remarkable and I'm on a mission to find out why and rectify it.

I guess I've passed on my apathy for school to my children: I attend because it's a necessary evil, not cause I actually like the shit. I understand the importance of a good education but I know I haven't stressed it enough to them, or at least I feel like I haven't. My oldest is going to Saturday school for her math. The boy needs help with his handwriting. That's not too difficult. The baby needs anger management. Not sure where she can get signed up for that.

Earlier this week, four older boys tried to rob my son, an 8 year old. He didn't have any money to give the guys and ran home. An older boy walkin through the neighborhood saw what happened and helped him. He offered to walk my son to school, but I declined, thanked him and drove him and sister to school. Although I didn't process it at the time, I was very sad and afraid today. Once I start my new job on Tuesday, I won't be able to give them a ride to school. I'll be working farther away from home as well. It's twice as long of a commute (40 mins) even though I'm driving. All of which makes me uncomfortable. I don't have anybody to leave them with or for them to walk to school with. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision taking this job. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to regress (get section 8, get a PT job) temporarily while they're so young instead of trying to press forward with my goals.

This is another situation where I get angry with myself for making such horrible decisions and choosing worthless men as their fathers.

I called my brother today. We don't speak often but I think it's time we do. He and I are alike in many ways; however, I've noticed we're on opposite ends of the spectrum on quite a few. He's really intense where I am not. I'm pretty chill about mosts things. He's ignorant to the existence of my inner thug. Hell, erebody's got one.

Today he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. Good question. I'm not sure anymore. I go through a series of jobs I could really give less than a fuck about; it's just a means to an end. I've studied computers for the last several years, but even that isn't fun anymore. I changed majors to Communications, which is interesting, although I have no idea when I'm returning to class. ($$ is a mutha) I do know that I will do some type of professional writing when I graduate. I'm just not sure what direction I'm heading. As I continued to vocalize my confusion, I started gettin on my own damn nerves. Why don't I know? I usually have an etched out plan for everything I do, but for this, I have nothing set in stone. Everything is fluid: I've allowed the current to shift me to my next destination.

But back to my brother.

He's read most of QS.net and digs my writing style. He suggests I publish this collection of ramblings. Inwardly I laugh. Who wants to read this shit? He asked me if I knew how many hits I get on this site, which I don't. I never cared much. While I've had readers in the past, I don't base my content on what other people want to read. Rocka's old tagline says it best: "An online account of my offline life." That's all I have to offer. However, I do hope that whoever reads this is able to learn something useful from my life and apply it to their own.

Who knows, maybe I will publish something. I have nothing to lose.

"Gotta grind harder cause my bills is major..." This job thing aint presentin itself fast enough. I got two weeks before shit gets real dire. I'm on my grind hard, but other mfs is movin too slow. I had a temp assignment today that went well. The HR Lady was real cool; I doubt she was any older than me. She's trynna get me in to be interviewed for a position she's recruiting for. I noticed she had several interviews today and asked what the deal was. She gave me the story and looked at my resume. After reviewing my resume, she came back to the front and looked at me all crazy like...."why are you doing this monkey work?" It's just something to keep the money coming in, no matter how extremely over qualified I am. I still gotta provide for mine.

Activity is picking up. I'm getting a lot more calls now. That makes me feel a lot better, given the semi depressive state I was in yesterday. I don't want that to set in so I'm doin my best to keep it movin. I have a good prospect in Columbia, MD that I think is going to work out just fine. I also have a couple of good friends who have been very supportive of me (as usual) during this transition.

Now I'm not the most moral bitch; I've done my share of dirt. What bothers me about this situation is that this man stood before God and made promises, of which he is now choosing to break and wants me to be his accomplice. I have enough problems--I don't need to end up on the "Smite Now" list. I also believe in karma: that shit you shit, eventually, you'll sniff. Now that's real.

Conversely, he offers the intimacy and friendship my current involvement doesn't. He understands me and what I need. He acknowledges my individuality. He calls me out on my shit but doesn't make me feel defensive. He's the straight male version of my bestfriend. LOL. How'd that happen?

I do believe that he was brought into my life (as with most situations) for a reason. He is part of the evolution of me. This situation has a lesson to offer; I have to keep a level head and sound judgment in order to receive it.

I've been feeling frustrated at work for the past few months: not paid enough and do more than my share. I'm constantly doing other people's work but I guess that's the nature of being employed. I try not to make my displeasure apparent. I don't like to worry my teammates. They have enough pressures, although they know when I'm displeased and go out of their way to make me feel better. For these reasons, I love them. Even the rouge that works my nerves. LOL. My work situation isn't the best, but I'm making the best of it.

Lately, I've been coddling an internal battle which I've been consumed with for about two weeks. I chalk it up as part of the growth process, but that doesn't make me feel much better. Last Friday when I was at my peak of discontent, I crossed paths with an old co-worker. She caught my attention right before I was able to get in good with the Nintendo DS. As I'm looking around to figure out who had the kajonies to interrupt me while I'm playing Mario, our eyes locked. Looking into her eyes made me smile. Her eyes are so clear, you can see clear to her soul. I told her about my new boss and how I don't feel we're a good fit for each other. She said to me: "Sometimes things just don't work out. It's not anything you did or what she did. The chemistry isn't there"

The last statement was so simple. So obvious. So true.

I've been placed in this situation for a reason; though I have yet to figure out what that reason is. Maybe it isn't for me to know right now. I can't say I'm patiently waiting to find out either.

I may be close to securing a new job for the new year. I've been on a few interviews and I'm in the process of scheduling more. In addition to working full-time, I work part-time in a file room of a major government agency. This is only temporary though. Filing sucks, but those checks will definitely be put to good use. Who can't use extra money during the holiday season? On Saturday, I go in for an interview with H&R Block. I think it's a receptionist type job. Not bad for seasonal. After I'm hired, I need to think of a more formal plan for what I want to do with that money. Of course this entails pulling my credit report. *shudders*

I've been also doing some research on the SBA website. I'm have it up to *here* working the plantation of Corporate America. I only see myself doing this for a couple more years. I know some people who just jump out there and call themselves starting a business and have barely done any research. Or throw together some half assed website proclaiming to be an entrepreneur. I don't want to just work for myself or give the illusion of self employment; I want a thriving business that's beneficial to many people, not just myself. Right now my idea is still in infancy; I'm mainly just writing down my thoughts and trying to get organized. I'm starting small cause I don't want to take on more than I can reasonably handle. There are so many programs that will GIVE small disadvantaged minority owned businesses money to operate. I don't mean loans or partners, but grants. Now that's some good shit.

I gotta take a nap before I head back to work.

One.

At 59 years old, she's really not computer literate and needs lots of guidance. As demonstrated in our session today, I'm not the best instructor for her. While trolling the Internets this afternoon, I found a senior job placement program she'd likely qualify for. I hope she's selected to participate. Supporting two households is damn near crippling me.

This situation has me reviewing my own life insurance policy and debt management. I don't want to put a strain on my kids when they're older since they'll have their own lives to manage: student and car loans, mortgages, families, etc. I decided to look into getting a life insurance policy for her since I'm more than certain she doesn't have one. I went to my insurance agent's website to see what was offered and they have waaaaaay more options than I need. I'm going to call to meet with her to see what my options are. It's likely I'll add to my own policy as well.

"Planning for the future" is a common theme distributed through various media outlets. It doesn't become real until the future becomes the present.

I wonder if these people even know what they're looking for. Ads are full of catch phrases like "self starter, team player and detail oriented" couple with duties such as "manage executive calendars, draft correspondence and other duties as assigned." Real cute. Aaaaaaaaaaaannnnd they want you to have a four year degree to do this piddly shit. Are you serious?

Of course a company wants the best candidate their $35k per year can purchase. Imma need HR to up they game. Please do not post ads with misspellings, bad punctuation and words used out of context. You're not gonna attract and retain the best if you don't present yourself as an organization deserving the best.

I missed another anniversary last week! Last Thursday marked my 5th year as a homeowner, although I'm not sure how excited I am about that. It's been a tough ride. Maaaaaaaaan, this sumbitch more of a money pit than the kids! There's always so much work to do, inside and out. For the new year, I've decided I'm going to make a list of things I want to improve and complete a different project every month.

Homeownership is typically viewed as majorly beneficial. Um...how? Thus far, it's been a real pain in my ass. If I didn't have children, I wouldn't be concerned with owning a home at all. The bright spot is the kids have a place they feel is theirs.

Now only if they'd clean it...

Now that I've been on this job for about a year, I'm ready to move on. I'm trying to make the best of it but the truth is..I'm no longer interested. Maybe if they hadn't canned my boss in May I'd feel differently. Maybe. Maybe not.

I've worked with her for about four months now. Our sales team will total 17 probably by the end of the year (current total is 9). I'm not interested in being responsible for that many people. And guess what? I didn't get a raise with my annual review, although my work is "very good" and i "write better than most VPs". And that doesn't deserve a reward. I don't get any love for that?

Apparently not.

Now I'm being shown it's time to move. After I started in this position, I've always said, "If my raise doesn't look good, I'm looking elsewhere." It's time for me to produce fecal matter or remove my posterior from the chamber pot.

I'm dusting off my resume and applying to different obscure postings. I hate emailing my resume. I much prefer to fax. I've found it to be much easier to get a response that way. I'll be trekking my way back to the staffing agencies real soon. I've noticed companies are starting to use them much more. I'll put them to work for me as well. Somebody out there is gonna pay me $60k. The ads I've seen are offering 28-32k. No thanks. They can keep that.

Also, it's time to review my 101 in 1001 list. Although I've completed about half my list, I'm very excited to make another one. It's been a very good tool to keep me focused on what I want to accomplish. I get so angry with myself sometimes because I know I can do so much more. In all reality, I've already accomplished a lot, moreso than other people in my age group facing similar situations.

What can I say? The grind never stops.

I wasn't looking forward to this being that my boss is new and we haven't worked together very long. Because her knowledge base is limited, she asked others about me and my work product. She couldn't find one bad thing to say. So, um, where's my raise?

A merit increase wasn't submitted for me. While I'm very disappointed, I'm not surprised. This behavior is indicative of a money grubbing corporation driven by sales. They just fired a sales person; I think I should get part of her salary. But hey, that's just me. My boss has agreed to speak with her boss about my raise. I don't care how she does it; it just needs to be done. Mutiny is such an ugly thing. Believe you me, she don't want me to go all Sista Girl on her. *straightens suit jacket*

There are ways to go about getting what you want. By the time I'm finished, I'll have everything I need.

(aside: What the hell happened to Big Mike? He was the undeniable shit. Yall mfs done slept on him)

You know, I'm sick of my job. I'm very happy to have steady work, as was not the case last year this time. I'm getting very restless and board because I know admin isn't my life's work. I'm also annoyed with myself because I've wasted so much time. As I look back on situations I've devoted my precious time, I become very angry with myself. When people have nothing going for themselves, they don't want you to have anything going for yourself either. It's so imperative you are 1). careful of the company you keep and 2). be extra careful with whom you confide your dreams and goals. Why? Cause niggas'll grin all up in your face and pretend to be excited with and for you, yet strategiacally plotting to tear your shit to pieces. It's real. Best believe both men AND women are capeable of such treachery. I've gone off on a tangent and need to remember where I left my point.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago my boss comes up to me and informs me that I write much better than one of the sales people on our time. I kinda chuckle and tell her I've had a lot of practice. LOL. She becomes curious, but I can't really tell her where I received this practice. LOL.

There are two sales people on my team who are very supportive of me and my career goals. Today, I spoke to one and asked her if it was okay if I worked on one of her proposals. She was very gracious and fully supportive of me. I'm so glad to have that. We now have to devise a strategy to ensure the support of my boss and convince the proposal manager that I'm an excellent candidate to do this, although I have no formal experience working with proposals. I'm down for learning something new.

I no longer have the time or desire to sit around and wait for something to happen. It's now up to me to go out and take it. This is my opportunity and I have to take advantage of it.