Envy is the cousin of jealousy birthed from the mother of low self esteem

Your Loss

I've been avoiding him over a year. A sweet guy with a big heart, but he's not for me. He had a chance and passed me by for someone more in his gutter while I kept it moving to ascend. Hindsight is 20/20 but you can't rewind past mistakes. If you can't meet me where I stand...you can't meet me at all.

I met up with him yesterday; I knew I would at some point. He met me at the door and I felt..nothing. All the reasons why I didn't want to have anything to do with him were still applicable: the hair, the dark smokers lips, the lack of intelligent conversation, the air of general downtroddenness... I can do without.

I'm glad his life is back in order. He just can't be part of mine.

Hug Me

Today has been one of those days: not necessarily a bad day but tough in its own right.

For the past month I've been pulled in several directions mentally and emotionally. Again, not necessarily a bad thing...it is what it is. Tired of being yanked on, I'm pulling back to keep some of me for...me. I don't have the emotional or spiritual endurance to be sucked into other people's shit. Oh, and how they love to sling shit.

I'm in a different space; I hesitate to say a new space because I don't have a sense of newness...just different. I'm letting go.

I'm letting go of all the people and situations that drain me. I'm letting go of people and situations which are not beneficial to my spiritual and emotional wellbeing. I'm letting go and falling into me.

I believe this selfishness is necessary sometimes. I can't help anybody else if I'm not in good condition. Hell, I can't help MYSELF if I'm not in good condition.

Letting go feels good. I still very much love some of the people I let go. Now when I say "let go", I don't mean they've been expunged from my life. I mean I'm no longer emotionally connected to their personal or professional success. I wish them no misfortune, of course. I just won't allow anyone to emotionally sponge off me anymore. I won't entertain emails or situations of foolishness. I've come to realize help and support are not required...they just want to bitch. I can't let that in my spirit.

It Takes a Village

When I moved to this Deanwood neighborhood 7 years ago, there weren't may children to play with. As the kids became acclimated with the school and neighbors, kids came from every where. In typical fashion, I haven't agreed with some of their friendships and made significant effort to sever them. Some kids carry a substantial burden with them, having been exposed to situations I'd be unsure how to handle even as an adult.

My son has a motley crew of colorful friends: the big headed mulatto, the ever present snotty nose, the really pretty smart girl and the thug in training. Interactions with these children have mostly been pleasant though I know a couple of em are always up to something.

]]> Snotty Nose has always made me uneasy. He's been friends with my son for about a year or so. He doesn't strike me as a bad child, just...sad. He walks with his head down (which doesn't help with a runny nose!) and I always seem him by himself. He doesn't smile often. He comes outside very early and has a tendency to stay out late. He's never disrectful but I've always been under the impression he's running from something.

Fast forward to this evening.

My son came home late. Of course I asked him where he was. He told me. I went into some "be home on time, can't stay out late, you're punished" speech and sent him to do chores while I finished cooking dinner. About 15 minutes later Snotty Nose knocked on the door to speak to my son. Finding that strange, I told him to send this child home. Apparently, he's late going home...and he's afraid to return.

This child has been lingering around my house like an alley cat for the past three hours. I've called his parents to let them know where he is. I even tried to put him on the phone with this father. He ran down the alley instead.

When he was discovered hiding under the balcony, the kids brought him inside. I spoke to him to ask why he won't go home. Shifting from left to right, not making eye contact, he states "I don't want to get a whoopin." My insticnt was to tell him "Then stop doin shit to get whooped.", but somehow it just didn't seem appropriate. The sadness in his eyes said enough for me.

This child is genuinely afraid to go home and I really dont know what to do about this. I told him he has to go home eventually; he might as well get it over with. What I'm sending him home to is what I'm most concerned about.

I've decided to write a letter to his teacher (who is also my son's teacher) asking for her and the school's assistance to help this family. Something isn't right in that household. I'm hoping the school has the resources to help him with the secret he's obviously hiding.

Success is What You Make It

My boss is a cool guy. He's pretty low maintenence and doesn't bug me much. He has a good sense of humor and can make fun of himself. What I like most about him is that he's fair and reasonable. Having found someone with whom I have such good synergy with makes me want to cling to it like it's the last thing on Earth, but I'm convinced doing so will impede my progress.

]]> I've been an Administrative Assistant for about eight years with five of those years at the executive level. I don't have major beef with the work I do; I just know my capabilities exceed the position. My boss and I have discussed this and he's very supportive. For that I am thankful. I'm also uneasy. Soon I'll be stepping into the unknown with traces of familiar. I'm thirsty for challenges and upward mobility though I'm at odds with how much responsiblity I'm willing to assume.

I have a full life trying to encourge these kids, explore their interests and develop their natural talents so they can have a full future. By focusing on my education and career, the focus may shift away from the aforementioned objectives. I can't be everything to everybody all at the same time. Not even to myself. The sacrifice makes me nervous.

But I'm excited! I'm excited to shed the admin skin and begin my ascent into higher positions with better salaries. There's so much to prepare for; I need to make sure I have the skills needed to take me to the next level. I have a lot of studying to do without a strong plan for accomplishment. It's not reasonable to expect to be able to cram everything at once, but I gotta do what I need to do to make it. Where I am today isn't indicitive to where I'll be tomorrow.

Saving Pays

I haven't always been in the best finiancial situation, but I make the best with what I have. Given the current state of the economy, most people would say I'm doing just fine. I really can't complain.

On New Year's Eve I made a promise to myself that I would adopt better financial habits. I pulled my credit report two weeks before Xmas and was very disappointed by what I saw. From that moment I subscribed to finance blogs including the financial newsletter from the Washington Post.

As I was reading through the material, I realized I knew most of what I needed to do because, well, it seemed like smart things to do. The not so smart part was not putting these tools to use. After I weeded through the info to determined what applied to me, I opened a savings account. Though I would save money periodically, it was housed in a checking account and easily accessible which is a bad idea for right now. I opened an account with ING Direct which had the best interest rate at the time. It's linked to one of my checking accounts, I can still do a money transfer, but I can't walk up to the ATM and take money out, which helps me maintain a balance. If I should encounter a situation, I can just transfer money and wait a couple of days.. Not really a big deal.

To also cover non-routine expenses, I now keep a cushion in my main checking account instead of spending down to my last dollar. It's hard not to sometimes, but it keeps me covered, especially when I have to wait for a transfer from my savings account.

I said all of this to bring me to my fuckery filled afternoon.

]]> I chilled most of the morning and sorted dirty laundry. Let me tell you, kids are nasty as hell. I have some of the grossest laundry I've ever experienced. I don't even want to wash this shit. I think I should have named my son Pig Pen. The baby doesn't pretty good but again, she's only three, soon to be four.

At any rate, I load up the car with these mega bags of laundry...to find out the damn car wouldn't start. Talk about mad as hell! I didn't trip; I called my insurance compay since roadside assistance is included in my policy. I called the after hours hotline and the rep was barely any help! I told her I wanted a company that could replace my car battery onsite, meaning, I dont want my shit towed, send me somebody that can fix this shit at my front door.

She did an Internet search, gave me three numbers to call and sent me on my way. I was astounded! Isn't she supposed to SEND SOMEBODY FOR ME? Like, do the leg work her damn self. I called one number and told the guy what I wanted...and he laughed at me. Pissed, I thanked him and hung up the phone, while he was still talking, no less. He shoulda been more personable! The second number I called didn't even service my area. I didn't even bother with the third number. I'd already wasted enough time. So I got online and did MY OWN damn Google search and found 495 Towing , a company offering EXACTLY what I need. Isn't this what the damn roadside assistance hotline was supposed to do?

Either way, I'm glad it's on its way to being resolved. I'm also I'm glad I have enough in my savings account to cover the pricey, but worth it fee.

Saving really pays.

Oh Really?

I subscribe to various financial websites that help me figure out what I want to do with my money. I'm on a personal finance blog and today's topic is "Small Luxuries" where we are to discuss which luxury are we able to maintain in this declining economy. One of the commenters (I hesitate to say she's a cawk stay at home mom, but I digress) left this little nugget in her comment:

I love Food Therapy (and I completely believe this is why so many poor people are over weight).

*blinks*

Is she serious? Surely I'm not the only one that sees irony in her statement. I'm all about expressing opinions and all, but let's look at this a little further.

Poor people are just that--poor. It's not likely they have enough money to gorge themselves with enough food to become overweight simply because....

...they don't have any damn money.

When your cash is low healthy options are few. It's cheaper to buy 10 for $10 Pasta Roni than it is to purchase a pould of chicken breast that may not feed your whole family. I'm won't even go off about the rotten (literally) produce offered in grocery stores that disservice the low income communities they proudly "serve". Go to another store? Not likely if you don't have your own transportation or cab fare.

So why are poor people overweight? Not because they're lovin themselves down with food; however because in 2008, they still receive the scraps from massa's table, that's why.

That's white privilege for you, wallowing in the stench of ignorance.

Early Morning

This is the second time I woke up this morning to go to the bathroom. I can't go back to sleep. I have enough quiet at 4am to haer myself think--think about things I can't discuss with anybody. Sometimes it's disturbing, this aloneness with my thoughts. There's no escape from what I really think or what I really feel. Sometimes honesty is overwhelming.

I hope the Lord can forgive me for what's on my mind and what I'm ready to do.

Sept. 30, 2008

A lot of randomocity has occured lately. (LOL! i said that like it's actually a word...or is it?) I'll just give a quick rundown of what's been on my mind lately.

Friends
The amount of fingers on one hand will account for the number of true friends I have...with change left over. Sometimes I get these spurts where I want to make friends...then I'm over it. Quick. It's always been my position to keep to myself cause people have a tendency to disappoint me. They place expectations upon me that they either can't or don't want to maintain on their end and I'm not interested in a one-sided friendship. Reciprocity much?

Apparently, I said something to a friend last week that she didn't like. It certainly wasn't my intention to offend her, but she said it herself: Truth hurts." So if it's the truth...why are you mad at me for sayin it? What gives? Now I can see if I had lied, which I hadn't. But to have an mf mad at me for tellin the truth? I can't relate. So to my knowledge, we aren't friends anymore.

Work
Same shit, different toilet. Overworked and moderatly paid, but I think I'm getting caught up with the work part. The pay part--not so much. I'm working on changing that as well.

Today the CFO sent an all employee email and labled it with high importance. I open the email to find that his daughter was coming in the office to sell Girl Scout cookies. TF? Important to whom? Talk about corporate abuse. Exit stage left.

I absolutely hate it when he brings that chile to work. Everybody fawns over this lil blonde haired chile like she's special. Secondly, the recept acts like a damn nanny to her. She then expects anyone who sits at the reception desk to be a wet nurse. I refuse. I don't go to work to play with kids (it's all subjective, really) nor am I contracted to babysit. That aint happening. I'm not rude to the chile; I'll smile and say hello. Anything more than that is extra, and I'm not putting for the extra effort.

Education
I've decided to stop fooling around and finish my degree. I'm signed up for two courses this semester. Unfortunately, I hae to pay my tuition out of pocket but my job will reimburse. I wish they offered tuition assistance instead of tuition reimbursement. This shit is hurting my pockets but I'll do whatever I need to so I don't have to work another boring admin job.

When I cover the reception desk I make a point to bring my textbook along to get in a lil study time. I can barely get past the first page without fiddlem mfs stopping to ask me what I'm reading, as if they've never seen anyone read a book before. They don't know how to respond after I tell them what it's about, then they slink away. It's hilarious! I'm reading From Slavery to Freedom for my African American Studies course. The story is unbelievable. I'm really enjoying it.

9/6/08

My Bloggerversay has come and gone and I'm pretty indifferent to it. I became disenchanted with blogging a couple of years ago; it just wasn't fun anymore. In my opinion, there are way too many useless gossip and niche blogs. You really can have too much of a good (or not so good) thing. Good personal blogs are hard to come by. I'd rather spend my afternoon reading about an average person's experiences and opinions than read the latest Beyonce or Paris Hilton gossip. Besides, them bitches bore me to death.

I have very little to report as far as new happenings is concerned, though I'll touch on a few things.

]]> Kids
I've come to the realization that I don't like my kids half the time. I try very hard to understand these lil black people, but I think I might be wasting precious brain cells. I give all my energy to my children, trying to teach them the right things and how to get the best out of life. And oh, to hopefully avoid my fuck ups. You think they appreciate it? Hell and no! Since I'm pretty much over them, I've started spending my hard earned money on myself. Long as they have the basics, I really don't give a damn. Momma needs some new Shox!

Education
Again, here's where I've fucked up. I didn't do what I was supposed to do, now I'm stuck. I can't get Financial Aid right now and I have to pay for this semester myself. It's going to be difficult but I'm working it out. I always have a plan. I just hope this shit works. LOL. I'm a Communications major at UMUC, transferred from a Networking major at Strayer University. Networking became boring to me and I found that I'm actually better at explaining it to people who don't understand than trying to discuss it with people (fuckin Indians and white men) who think they know everything. I don't give a fuck what anybody says; it's still a racist and sexist field. This semester I'm taking African American studies, Comm Theory and a tech ethics course. I'm very excited about the AA studies. I received my book on Thursday and I've been reading it off and on since. I've logged into the course and it seems like it will be simple and I don't have ANY papers to write. I do have on project but I think it might be fun. I've taken Comm Theory once, and that's all I'll say about that. I hope this interwebs ethics course teaches me how to be better at doin bad stuff.

The other reason I'm pressed to get my degree is the fact that I'm near the end of the salary range for my position and I'm bored. Oh, and my boss aint gonna promote me until I get a degeree.

Job
My job is aiite. It's admin shit so it's whatever. It's not like it's interesting. I have fun with my boss; he's a good guy to work for. I have a couple of people I like to converse with. The IT Guy is my favorite. Of course he's a gay. A zesty gay. That's how I like em. I'll never find a straight man hangin with all these queers. Least he aint fraid to spend money. Oh, and he cooks a too. He may only know how to fix a couple things, but he does a good job with em . He makes me proud. LOL

Dating
Next.

Music
I don't bother.

Friendships
Niggas come and go. I don't have a lot of friends an I'm not bothered by it. Smaller squad = less confusion.

That's all for now.

One.

Dude, Are You for Serious?

My morning was going fine. People weren't parading in and out of my cube. I was fairly organized and was satisfied with my morning accomplishments. On the cusp of afternoon, I receive an IM of fuckery from my ex friend. [I've blogged about him before; I'm just too lazy to link]

Though I have no real interest in communicating with him, I don't mind the idle chit chat. What I do mind is the random out pour of emotion. He really needs to get that in check. He begins to tell me that he still has feelings for me and blah blah. As I'm reading that mess, I'm trying to decide whether or not it would be appropriate to ask "What are you telling me for?", though I thought it very loudly. He then tells me that I hurt him "sooooooo bad". Um, nigga and?

Lest not forget about his cold treatment and rejection, but I'm still supposed to hold a soft spot for him after six years? How about no? I told him I didn't hurt him, that he hurt himself. I can't stand when niggas try to play the victim and not want to be held accountable for their actions when shit dont go the way they want it to.

That shit is real stale.

I Will Not Subscribe To Your Fuckery

My commute doesn't suck all the time. Only when I'm tired. Only when some d-bag decides it would be a great idea to rear end somebody on 295-N during rush hour, slowing the traffic down to a painful one lane crawl. I can usually make it to work and back with one eye open (gotta sleep sometime!), but occasionally, there's some shit that crosses my field of vision when both my eyes are open.

I'm mindin my business on the parkway. Some asshole is just sitting there when she should be moving. License plate read: "Glamrus". Make: VW Beetle. I was too. through. with her. A Beetle? Glamorous? Are you serious? You've got to be shittin me.

Today, I'm on the way home, just mindin my business. I look over to the left...dude in the car next to me has jheri curl caps on his headrests! I damn near run over the curb trynna call somebody to report the shit! Is that legal? That's the equivalent to the plastic covering Auntie has on her "good furniture". Who does that. Make: Toyota Corolla.

Somebody call God and tell him come get his kids. They play too much.

First Day

Today was my first day on the job. It wasn't exciting.

I left early to get a feel for the commute; I've never had to drive to work on a regular basis before. Besides, driving is the only way I can get there. Which kinda sucks. I arrived in a half hour which wasn't bad. Everyone keeps telling me I'm going against traffic and the commute shouldn't be too bad. Whatever. Driving first thing in the morning with mfs that haven't had their coffee or weed is a real pain in the ass.

When I arrived, nothing was prepared for me: My cube didn't have a name plate, my laptop wasn't ready, nobody really had any information...it just kinda sucked. They're a decent group of people so working with them shouldn't be too difficult. There's this one guy everybody's kinda leary of and I'm not sure why.

It's company policy that everybody take their laptops home at the end of the day. They can't be left sitting around, nor can they be locked up. That kinda sucks since I don't want to be responsible for the thing, but it's kinda good cause I can work from home if I need to.

It's the same work I've been doing so I shouldn't have a problem getting up and running. The problem is I have no interest in doing this kind of work anymore so I hope I can transition out of it in the future. Including me, two other people started today. They're expanding so quickly; I hope there's room for me to move into something else. I can't waste away as an admin.

The health care coverage is waaaaay more expensive than what I'm used to paying. I hope I can get a good rate from BC/BS. The company pays my premium, so I'd only need to get coverage for the kids.

I'm working with my old boss again so I'm glad for that. I'm actually excited. Now that I have work, I'm starting to receive offers I applied for way back when. That's so annoying! There were a couple of weeks where I had no prospects at all. That's what led to that minor depressive episode, but as most things, that too, has passed.

I had de ja vu u at my desk today. Though de ja vu is defined as "the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time", I know this was not an illusion. I saw the same exact scenario in a dream, though I wasn't sleeping. It's hard to describe those types of episodes. When I do, people tend to think i"m nuts anyway. That's okay. I know it's God's way of telling me I'm where I'm supposed to be at any given time in my life.

I wonder why I've been led to this place, what lesson I'm supposed to learn. Maybe I'm supposed to make more connections. Maybe it's career advancement. Maybe it's better health. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm looking forward to the journey laid out before me.

Seamstress? Not So Much

The kids' school is having a Vday dance on Thurs. The catch: they have to wear their "Sunday best". Damn. Since our Sunday best consists of old sweats and tank tops, I spent my Sunday afternoon in search for something appropriate to wear.

Being that my funds are limited till this new job starts tomorrow, I head to the thrift store to see what we could come up with. The best we could find was a pair of slacks for the boy. Off to JC Penny I went. They were posed to be having a good sale.

I found a shirt and tie set for the boy, but the price...eh, I could do without. I'm surprised he picked something so plain. I thought he'd want to get one of the cool colors, but it's hard to tell with him. He's strange like that. I was able to find a nice evening dress for the girl, but it's too big! The price was right ($10, original--$90) so I bought it with the intention of puttin a tuck here and a tuck there.

Though it's a black dress, it looks wonderful on her. I don't like to put her in dark clothes because of her skin tone; they typically don't do her much justice. She had her heart set on this dress so I make it work, somehow.

I get her in the dress tonight to figure out how Imma make it fit her. Mind you, I don't know how to sew. Nothing more than a stuff animal when I had to sew em by hand working at this place several years ago.

I'm very glad it only took a couple of stitches to tuck the straps and the sides. Any more than that I woulda been out of luck. I do whatever it takes so they can participate and enjoy different experiences. As a mom, that's important to me. Throughout my life, there have been very few things I've been able to pursue for the sake of enjoyment. Every endeavor had a concrete purpose to achieve an end result.

I want them to enjoy life and not have to worry about anything other than being children.

Readjust

It's been an okay week for me. Creativity is flowing strong so I'm definitely more motivated to write than I have been the last several months.

The last conversation I had with my brother really has me thinking about a few things, most notably, my children's education. They're a very talented group. Ironically, none of them are good at the same thing. The comments on their report cards were subject to more scrutiny than usual. Some grades fluctuated. Some stayed the same. Nothing dropped and that's a good thing. While their report cards were good, they weren't remarkable and I'm on a mission to find out why and rectify it.

I guess I've passed on my apathy for school to my children: I attend because it's a necessary evil, not cause I actually like the shit. I understand the importance of a good education but I know I haven't stressed it enough to them, or at least I feel like I haven't. My oldest is going to Saturday school for her math. The boy needs help with his handwriting. That's not too difficult. The baby needs anger management. Not sure where she can get signed up for that.

Earlier this week, four older boys tried to rob my son, an 8 year old. He didn't have any money to give the guys and ran home. An older boy walkin through the neighborhood saw what happened and helped him. He offered to walk my son to school, but I declined, thanked him and drove him and sister to school. Although I didn't process it at the time, I was very sad and afraid today. Once I start my new job on Tuesday, I won't be able to give them a ride to school. I'll be working farther away from home as well. It's twice as long of a commute (40 mins) even though I'm driving. All of which makes me uncomfortable. I don't have anybody to leave them with or for them to walk to school with. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decision taking this job. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to regress (get section 8, get a PT job) temporarily while they're so young instead of trying to press forward with my goals.

This is another situation where I get angry with myself for making such horrible decisions and choosing worthless men as their fathers.

Brotherly Love

nOva: where you get a brother from?
QS: my dad
nOva: gotcha
QS: i think he was on layaway or sumfin

I called my brother today. We don't speak often but I think it's time we do. He and I are alike in many ways; however, I've noticed we're on opposite ends of the spectrum on quite a few. He's really intense where I am not. I'm pretty chill about mosts things. He's ignorant to the existence of my inner thug. Hell, erebody's got one.

Today he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. Good question. I'm not sure anymore. I go through a series of jobs I could really give less than a fuck about; it's just a means to an end. I've studied computers for the last several years, but even that isn't fun anymore. I changed majors to Communications, which is interesting, although I have no idea when I'm returning to class. ($$ is a mutha) I do know that I will do some type of professional writing when I graduate. I'm just not sure what direction I'm heading. As I continued to vocalize my confusion, I started gettin on my own damn nerves. Why don't I know? I usually have an etched out plan for everything I do, but for this, I have nothing set in stone. Everything is fluid: I've allowed the current to shift me to my next destination.

]]> Though I hate to admit it, I'm still sorting through the murk of confusion I awakened into two years ago. "I'm beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb..." I've gone through a lot of changes, of which I can't say all were productive. But I'm allowing myself the time I need to stretch and grow, something many of us as young, single Black mothers neglect in day-to-day life.

But back to my brother.

He's read most of QS.net and digs my writing style. He suggests I publish this collection of ramblings. Inwardly I laugh. Who wants to read this shit? He asked me if I knew how many hits I get on this site, which I don't. I never cared much. While I've had readers in the past, I don't base my content on what other people want to read. Rocka's old tagline says it best: "An online account of my offline life." That's all I have to offer. However, I do hope that whoever reads this is able to learn something useful from my life and apply it to their own.

Who knows, maybe I will publish something. I have nothing to lose.